How narrow … how very narrow— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
the windows we must pass
to gain enlightenment
and how hard and unrelenting
the obstacles.
I remember the first time I dropped acid;
how deeply surprised I was
to find there was not observer
to watch the effects
but only I, lost in the storm.
And now, so hard on the edge
of new growth or destruction,
there is no one but myself
with every nightmare and insecurity
this material world can unleash.
I discover that this ‘I’ that I am
is a cardboard man
made mostly of how others see me
and that my sense of worth and purpose
is inextricable from their regard.
In some moments I’m sure I’ll survive…
and, in others, my despair verges on suicide.
Somewhere Jesus said that it would be easier
to pass a camel through the eye of a needle
than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.
I’ve been rich too long….
Cocky and arrogant, as Lise said,
so sure that my success was
a function of right action.
But now I’ve come to the eye of the needle
and most of ‘me’ cannot pass.
gallagher
03 Dec 85
Archive for December, 1985
1985-12-03
Tuesday, December 3rd, 19851985-12-04
Wednesday, December 4th, 1985Every act of love gives a small backlash of relief— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Driven before these storms of disassembly
I stand for a moment, here and there,
and remember words and ideas;
twigs and leaves
in the raging wind of change.
Buddha’s ideas on the separation
of consciousness and ego.
Jesus’ 40 days and nights in the desert.
Casteneda’s search for small tyrants.
Mary Baker Eddy’s discussion of sin and punishment.
Clarity, depression, hanging on, displacement,
the focusing of intent and the mind’s endless chatter.
December comes; massive and gray.
38 years, and for many of them I’ve wanted release
from the bondages of love and maya and attachment.
God, or my deeper spiritual self, or God-less chance
must have found me ready now…
Give me unbending intent.
Give me consciousness, apart from this vessel.
Give me God’s will.
gallagher
04 dec 85
1985-12-04 December 4, 85
Wednesday, December 4th, 1985 December 4, 85
Sweetie,
So many subdued feelings. Sadness, relief, a
sense of loss, expectations, questions, many more.
I am so happy we parted this way. I want your
friendship, if you want mine, of course. You and I are
so close and so similar in so many ways, it'll be a
treat to see each other change and evolve, to see the
directions we have taken. You can count on my support,
if you ever need help for anything and I can give it to
you, please call.
It is so ironic that only now, you come to realize
that in the future you want with one woman what I have
always wanted with one man! To think that it was the
main difference we had!!!
If I left you one legacy I am happy and proud to
have been the first one to show you how to be in love.
I was thinking about you last night. Thinking
about this feeling I have that your real life is just
about to begin.
So many changes all at once. You and Rose,
closing the chapter, you and I parting, Rajneesh over,
and Canada coming to reality. It's all brand new, it's
exciting, there's nowhere to go but up. You have so
much going for you. And now you are complete, the
finishing touches have been added. I can see the
difference in you, the little boy, the spoiled brat has
matured. Your life has been turned around, it is just
beginning now. Good luck babe. Good luck to me too. I
need it. I'm not sure where I am going. I have risked
everything, but I'm not afraid of taking chances, I've
done it before, and if I lose, I'll just move on.
Babe I love you. I really really
do. keep in touch.
xxx
Lise
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —