SamadhiMuse

                        Daniel Martin

               Will the mountains seem so wild
                  and the dew sparkled mornings alone, so clear
               considering the price paid
                  to put me there.

               Can my life’s essence be valid
                  after such a crime to attain what I covet?

               Will I roam for my fulfillment and find only
                  that my unreality leads to the ashes of my dreams?

               Serenity cannot, I fear, be found in a distant snow
                  but only in the purity of mind it represents.

               And so I will consider this pain,
                  and look for peace,
                     and spend some years fooling myself.

                                       Gallagher
                                         23 Sep 69
                                         Port Lavaca, TX

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                                Child
      To guide a child you must give him attention
      that fills the spaces inbetween his expression
      so that by the very form of your being
      you form the child you love.
                              gallagher
                              25 Dec 1974

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

           Like looking in the mirror at myself, great mystery
         this boy, my son, lies here and I look on him…
           born of me to begin again the climb
         he lies innocent of all he will become.
           The great water of evolution, 3 billion years strong
         flows from his mother and I to be together in him
           mixed… and more than its parts.
           Dumb animal, I, I try to consider it
         characters beyond comprehension here, living, mine.
           I can only feel.
                                    gallagher
                                    27 jun 75
                                    - about Danny

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

         What’s the cause, that I should think of leaving her?
           My eyes and heart, daily, pressing her and Danny away…
         Its here in my dreams that I’ve held all these years
           dreams held against all the waiting and poverty of school.
         I’ve been naive thinking that an education
           could separate me from our carnivorous reality.
         Its fighting at all levels in the under thickets of success
           and the dreamers and the weak are the fodder here.
         Its no wonder, then, that I look askance at my love;
           its easier, at thirty,
           than seeing myself as a dreaming fool.
         I don’t love how much less I am than the dreams I held
           but I can’t press her away because she does.

                                          gallagher
                                          9 July 1977

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

         How dry the leaves and empty
         my first winter into the thirties
         I could disappear without contact
         be a person lost without love.
         I’ve told Rose I won’t come back now
         and the winter starts to blow,
         I’ve told Rose I’d love to see her
         but when she moves I know
         she’ll take her summer laughter with her
         and leave me here to grow.
         She’ll take my love and son then
         and leave me here to know
         how dry the leaves…and empty
         when the winter winds begin to blow
         and alone and empty I am
         as I begin to know…
         But I chose these winter empty stomach days
         and I chose the waiting for my life’s new phase
         and lead me to the summer sunshine
         where I’m bound to go.
                              gallagher
                              feb 25, 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

      My feelings walk inside me like a man with a hammer
      The year of thirty must be by far the strangest one yet
      Joe’s gone, his room says over his leavings,
      and Rose and the house are harder to bear each day.
      Soon the last shreds of her love will be torn
      and the last of my security flown away
      Its an ache to be there and yet I’ll probably always return
      for Danny
      I dreamed Bob the night before I met him
      and when he arrived I felt prophesy on my shoulder.
      And, tonight, when Rose told me
      he wasn’t going to San Francisco
      and that he’d been asking her out behind Nona’s back,
      my dream came to reality.
      “I’m seeing Rory”, she said, and I smiled…
      I like Rory and he can’t make me insecure
      Sorting photographs … cleaning the garage
      talking, with control, to Bob and Nona,
      eating Rose’s chicken and feeling this hammer.
      I’m going to be alone again soon as I’ve not been
      in a long long time
      and on none of my fantasy girls can I rest
      until this hammer has spent itself
      I pray thee, thirty, move on.
                           gallagher
                           04 apr 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

         Rose rides the desert beneath the full moon
            and my apartment holds Danny and I safe
               against her absence
         These days and hours, so electric, I’ll never forget
            Love and pain in all proportions
               and time slowing down, day by day
                  against the history nodes passing here
         Nine years coming down beneath the full moon
            and all our friends wait to see what’s right
               I feel this history like the veins in my skin
                  beneath the hours I’m living in
                                    gallagher
                                    apr 21, 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                       Dinner at Dave’s
           Good friends are anchors into reality
           they speak their thoughts plainly
           they counseled me with criticism and concern
           and listened without rejection to my every reply.
           Dave and Ron said I owed Rose
           but, as the discussion wore on,
           it seemed that it was Danny I owed
           ‘Give him all the relief you can’, they said,
           ‘that he can grow up as straight and true as possible.’
           And Dave also said that, ‘In five years
           I wouldn’t speak to he or Ron, my friends.’
           that I would’ve risen beyond their friendships
           and I smiled, honored
           that they should see my future so bright
           but hurt to think that they would think I would discard them so.
           Evidently, they’ve seen me as some rising star
           long before any of my talents or blind luck bore fruit.
           They said they knew I’d do Rose wrong even back then,
           when all my shoe string dreams lived only by our faith,
           hers and mine, and her love.
           I listened and I loved their honesty
           but I can no more change myself than quit breathing….
           I listened, listened and begged to hear more.
           Perhaps something they know
           could make it easier for her and Danny and I.
           But, if not, I don’t regret our words nor the time spent.
           They’re my friends and I love what they think.
                                 gallagher
                                 22 april 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                        For Danny
            Your Mother is a good woman
            but her dreams were never the same as mine
            and sometime, before you, before I knew why,
            in the Washington wheat fields
            our lives became involved and our hearts
            began their play.
            I didn’t know how it could be then
            that you need to share more
            than just love and gutsy togetherness
            and so it began, and you came our way
            the sweet product of all our love and youth
            what more can I say?  let truth lead the way…
            Your Mother loved me and I loved her
            but our youth began to slip and fray
            and our dreams started to get in the way
            beneath the wheat field love and her simple ways
            but her dreams were far different from mine
            and I can’t live in her settled way
            youth isn’t the only time for dreams
            and I’ll never come down to where
            love isn’t all that I pray
            I know you’ve got to wonder
            how your young life can be so torn
            and the tears come to my eyes to think how
            your young soul is so bruised
            by all the pain between your mother and I
            I hope you see what it means to you
            to find the right woman, boy.
            For all the love you mother and I shared,
            was never worth all the time we spent
            and all the pain it took
            when our dreams began to get in the way
            Drink women like fine wine, boy…
            they’ve each got something beautiful inside
            but remember your dreams, whatever they may be,
            and find a woman whose eyes shine
            when you share your deepest dreams with her.
                                 gallagher
                                 30 april 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

            She bad dreamin … she must be
            life can’t be so bad
            she’s cryin everyday and getting thinner
            I think she could lose it
            and not think her life worth the pain anymore.
            What is it that love unbinds in us
            that only love can fix again…
            She’s unraveling…her cheekbones and fingers
            bear witness to it
            her love has flown away
            and now there’s nothing but the days
            she waits for my return
            and she won’t let it end
            she tears her heart out again and again
            to pass each aching day
            and when I hold her and feel the pain
            nothing eases…nothing goes away
            she tries so hard not to say it
            she tries to accept it my way
            but she can’t stand it
            and she drives me farther away
            I can keep Danny and become celibate
            but I can’t give my life away to the old ‘us’
            its mine, but she can’t deal with it that way
            her pain cuts deeper day by day
            I feel it…Danny feels it
            Rose’s heart is breaking…
            what can I say… what can I say….
                                    gallagher
                                    apr 30, 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

              Crazy life, getting a lot of it these days
              summer’s coming’, lovers too…its a fantasy done
              in emotional pastels
              Rose and I…drifted apart…
              still some love in our eyes,
              its easy…when we don’t hassle
              how could I not love her…how?
              New people, eyes and hands and time…
              the sunlight and the plants…the music
              these days that bear the passage of time…well
              Ah, I’m dreamin’ away…some Siddartha…midway
              down the midway of my dreams
              passion and freight trains running all night.
              Danny…Danny’s eyes growing up…we talk
              I feel it, my bond to this boy, our flesh
              and its OK…its good to be his father
              time will walk me down sometime
              to the end of these dream days
              and unfold others for me to learn from.
              but they’re all the same…mine
              fly me now, self, into this song
              chord days…ring me…and ring me well.
                                   gallagher
                                   18 may 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

           Its a waiting game I feel myself living
           I’m always waiting, my heart’s unforgiving
           and the days pass ever so slowly now.
           I wake up at three in the morning
           thoughts of Rose and my heart’s hole yawning
           thinking about all the ways that she loved me
           and waiting … ever waiting for love’s return
           After work in the evening’s sunshine
           I’m driving home to an uneasy waiting time
           and these empty afternoons, Lord, they get so long
           every moment alone is an agony
           I’ve got my son and he waits … he waits with me
           for love to find me and make my heart whole
           Between the wine and the mornings I wake up at three
           I live at work so the waiting won’t bother me.
           but sometime, sometime you’ve got to go home
           Three women I know that that love and treasure me …
           and when they’re here my waiting’s free
           but the time they give me is all they can
           they all belong to other men
           So between these hours of love and the working days
           I wait … and wait …
           for the waiting to go away.
                           gallagher
                           15 jun 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

      My family’s wound envelopes me.
      I feel Danny’s need … as I remember my own years …
      in lucid moments between the running days I remember him
      and wonder how I can feel so strongly
         and do so little for love.
      Everyone seems to live simpler lives than I
      rootless man living off many lives
      and not having one of my own to share or claim
      I wait for history’s wheels to spew me out
      frantically waiting on Godot and wisdom to find me…
      … spoiled child … karmic wastrel
      Five minutes with Rose on the phone in anger
      and my family’s wound envelopes me….
                                 gallagher
                                 15 nov 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

           January … the divorce come final
           but our hearts are no better.
           Confused by love, such easy comfort…
           ten years, friends.
           She genuinely wants to try,
           her feelings have come around again.
           Simple Norwegian…smooth skin…angular,
           Liv Ullman in her cheekbones.
           archetypical of what I’d find again
           or mourn the difference.
           I always think of her as playing games,
           manipulating…willing me.
           But this time I sense some deeper thread;
           childhood falling off …
           the passing away of marriage papers
           and the cultural ritual… only love remains.
           No one could ever touch us, in this lifetime,
           as we touch each other.
           Vital currents weld our loves together
           as our son welds our genes
           and all these lovers and months past
           only steel the mirrors of our feelings
           but cannot erase that clear note we’ve held so long.
           I turn so restless against my thoughts.
           What can I do with her…
           with the love and ease she gives.
           My life’s so confused…
           I can’t seem to pick my ground.
           My lovers…the promises in women’s eyes…
           history talking.
           Those cold mornings, running…
           communion with my peace and anguish.
           The ultimate freedom
           and simple responsibility of being alone.
           What can she offer me… against these?
           I love to love her…
              sleep with her… see her… touch her.
           She doesn’t care for my prowess in anything…
              she just loves me.
           And now her eyes speak to me
           from quite beyond their source
           touch me here…
              its only my life you trace,
                 can it matter more?
                                    gallagher
                                    8 Jan 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

        Of all the stars I wonder which
      one I like the most…
        and then I realize I can like
      them all…
            Daniel Gallagher
            02-10-80

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

      As I walk down the street
      I ask myself…
      How did it all start???
      How did life start???
      How did the world all start???
      What happened???
      I guess I will never know…
         Daniel Gallagher
         02-10-80/2

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

     She’s been the one all these years
        how fragile hang the leaves of our futures
     time and events swirl… national, personal… age advances
        nothing remains the same.
     “Rose”, I could say, my hand on her’s
        with the endless calendar pages
           and conjunctions whispering around us
        and those small wrinkles advancing on our investments.
     And it would be but a gesture against life’s capriciousness
        and its tendency to change just when it feels good.
     So I’ve lived enough to see this life’s form… what I’ve done
        who I am… what’s caught me, what I’ve escaped
     I’ve formed enough to recognize she’ll always be the one
        just as Danny will always be my son.
                                        02-18-80

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

         With what patience and need
         Rose and I have loved each other these years.
         All our twenties given…
         our small wrinkles betray our investments
         and our memories that lie sleeping behind our eyes
         with all the distant wisdom
         of a thousand photograph album pages.
         Winter morning with she and my son sleeping around me
         keeping me warm and secure
         against the gray morning’s light.
         We’ve all come so far together
         to be here in this quiet hour.
         Rose’s belly full now with her new child’s warmth
         warms the bedroom’s dusk.
         And Danny asleep beneath the window’s light
         half grown
         and I scribbling notes before they wake
         beneath the lamp’s circle of light.
         Today we’re still together after ten years
         so much of my life’s time lays sleeping here.
         Texas, separations, marriage, Danny’s birth
         careers and college
         it all lays sleeping here under my pen.
         Rose, … who more than Rose is love to me?
         She’s wife, lover, sister, mother
         until I don’t know what she is to me.
                                 gallagher
                                 18 Feb 80

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                                                to the tune of
                                                Kenny Roger’s
                                                “The gambler”
                  There seems to be a fullness
                    that’s rising up to meet me
                  a flowing field of fondness
                    that seems to know my name.
                  Its Rose and all her babies
                    and love with all its names
                  its Danny with his flaxen hair
                    and its me who loves them all
                  I wake up in the mornings
                    the smiling day to greet me
                  so tangible beyond my touch
                    the truth is plain to be.
                                 gallagher
                                 12 Mar 80

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

What a pang I got when Rose and my children left tonight
  the long freeway drive…so much of me in one place.
They all become more dear to me each day
  Danny’s age and intelligence make him a companion and a friend
as well as my blood kin and my son.
  and Chris …  Chris’ baby learnings, his baby smiles charm me
until I start mooning and babytalking at him
  like any supermarket momma, oblivious to those around me.
And Rose.  What can be said about Rose?…
That she’s so much a part of my life
  that I can no more paint her in words
than imagine my life without her.
She is my other half, without which
  I would probably be some wary emotional cripple in this life
she has built my capacity to love from nothing
  and given me the confidence to express my manhood
and the emotional security to excel at my work
  but mostly she has given texture and depth
to my life with her sincerity
  without which, love, my most basic need,
     could only twist frustrated.
Rock of Love, she, no empty designer jeans manikin here
  the sincerity of her love for me
    and the quality of life it gives me are One.
Rose.
                                 gallagher
                                 12-01-80

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —