Joan
We talk of the need to drop needing
and yet we’re so happy to see each other.
I can hear those soft wings, again.
gallagher
20 Feb 86
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Joan comes and begins to give me such pleasure
but I’m not sure what I see or how I feel.
My attraction and affection for her are strong.
She drifts in and out of my thoughts all day long
but Lise has taken me apart so throughly
that I cannot see Joan as my ‘next’ woman.
I don’t know what I would’ve seen or felt
if I had met Joan before Lise.
And, now that I’m here on the other side,
nothing is familiar.
She’s young and intelligent and spiritual
and I can see she’s beginning to care for me.
It’s all new. Every thought and passion,
every dream and fear.
I’ve traveled so far. I can meet her here
but I cannot tell her where we are.
gallagher
2 Mar 86
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Joan arrives and brings
vulnerability, doubt and joy.
I’m scared to death of her
for the way she uncenters me.
What is it she does to me?
Like quicksilver she seeps so quickly
into my secret heart.
In mere days I’ve come to crave her smile
and fear her loss.
All my previous composure is gone
in a week’s time.
Am I this vulnerable now, after Lise?
Will I be swept away again and again?
Is this something real or just a rebound?
And everytime my fear gives me pause
she comes and shares a secret space
and I’m gone further
into a place
I know less and less.
gallagher
4 Mar 86
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
35,000 ft, my thoughts like swirling birds.
Joan and her spiritualism are focusing me hard.
No casual affair; her effect on me.
No face passing in a moment of light or lust
but a catalyst and an unleashing in me…
realizations and recognitions
pass like crossing swords where she is.
It’s not that I should grasp at her
or resist her here
but that I should let her simply play out
her part unburdened
and learn from all that she evokes in me
or gives to me
or takes from me.
She brings me my own.
My own possesiviness and insecurity,
my own needs and fears.
She reveals me to myself,
so quickly has she cut me open.
gallagher
5 mar 86
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
3/6/86
Yes, Dennis
I’m waiting for you to call
I think you’d like to know that
But how much shall I say?
You’re very verbal and I like it,
But if I say too much,
Are you going to take a few steps back?
I think this because … I wonder
if you’re the type who likes to be
in control?
Are you the kind that gets uneasy
when you’re not calling the shots?
After all, if someone gets close by their
own choice,
they can always back away;
they’re controling the closeness
But if someone ELSE leads it …
then THEY are “in control”.
I’m not worried.
Just wondering.
It’s not like I’m contemplating
throwing myself at you!
I feel a fondness and affection
and much interest in your mind
I like your company
And am hoping you’ll remain
a friend to me (on one level or another)
Joan
6 Mar 86
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
A few days away from everyone— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
and, finally, some perspective.
It’s becoming clear I want to become
platonic with Rose for both our sakes
and it’s clear also
that Joan’s idea of going slow is good.
Rose and I will never be
what the other’s looking for
and Joan and I or anyone else
can never succeed
unless I can approach love
in a centered way.
I’ve fallen into Joan so quickly
and felt her presence so strongly.
What about just me, alone …
no Rose, no Joan, no Lise.
Just me, centered, happy, and optimistic
and realistic.
That’s someone worth sharing with another.
gallagher
8 mar 86
This man is a friend
who satisfies my mind (as few have)
and communicates with me so well
(though we’re of different pasts)
This man offers me pleasure
And I, a woman,
ponder complexities I feel.
My body eagerly remembers and imagines
While my mind - no, more than my mind,
something in my heart and soul -
Reminds me there’s much more involved here.
Than Bodies.
Something inside me seems to whisper,
“Listen, listen.”
What is it? I ask myself
At times before,
I thought my sense was only fear
But trying to ignore it brought regret and confusion.
Suddenly I’m seeming it may just come down to
Admitting and accepting what I truely feel:
I have this ideal that is so much more
than passing pleasure…
Dare I say what I really want
Is simply a love that is deep and enduring and true,
with someone who’ll stay around in my life?
Making love without doubts or hesitation
Selves meetinbg on deepest levels,
Each comfortable in the other’s caring…
When I try to accept less,
part of me wishes for more
and feels I’ve been denied
Do I expect too much?
But I can’t just think about a temporary feel good
I don’t want to be someone’s conquest or diversion.
Part of me will feel I’ve sold my dreams and said,
“I don’t believe I can have what I most desire.”
Besides, if I give up what’s true for me to please someone else,
I won’t be acting from my real self - so
then how can I believe they love (or even know)
the “real me”?
And I’d be giving them the responsability to
“make me happy”.
Joan
11 March 86
????dennisPOETRY?3-11#2.JR
I must listen to my own Sense of Things
and not try to force the love I desire,
but believe it will come in due time …
as I continue to know myself better
and extend to those around me.
This man is a friend who means a lot.
I lke having him close, and
he may not understand,
but I must be true with what I feel
and take the chance
to be met with understanding
(Remembering that I must first
accept what I feel before I expect
someone else to)
Joan
11 march 1986
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
18 Mar 1986
Dear Joan,
I’ve lost track of how many letters I’ve begun to you and
then abandoned. Not because what I had to say wasn’t pressing
but more because my courage has faltered to say so much; to
admit I feel all this. Love calls. Should I pick up the
phone? Everything says yes, but my willingness to risk and
feel so much. It holds me.
I wrote somethings about you after we hung up tonight.
Trying to clear my thinking about how fast my feelings are
moving with you and what I think of you and what I want:
Joan is
quality
sincerity
a beautiful spirit
intellectual
a friend
a lover
honest
compassionate
straightforward
secure
centered
not egotistical
not judgemental
healthy
physical
coordinated
unburdened by her past
flexible with her future
pretty
spiritual
idealistic
open minded
non-materialistic
The list could probably go on but this is enough. I’m in
awe that such a person could care for me. That God should have
shined such grace on me. It makes my eyes water to say such
things and I’m sure it will when I say them in person.
Joan, for all the things I’ve done there’s one I’ve not.
I’ve never chosen to give myself wholeheartedly to loving
someone. Rose and I married for conveience and rebellion and
discovered soon after that more was required and spent most of
our lives trying to patch our folly. And Lise and I loved for
passion and sophistication and ultimately we came to respect
each other but it never quickened to commitment. It hung
suspended on doubts and differences and compromises until it
died. No one else has been important. Perhaps Lise is only
important because she is recent and because, by dropping me,
she woke me up from my long compromise dream.
I look at the list on the first page and at my feelings.
I remember your face and your smile. And I wonder what I can
be thinking of. I must be asleep in the midst of God’s grace
that you should care for me and I hesitate. That I should
think that anything might be more important. Because, my love,
nothing is. Nothing.
I’m done with watching for reservations. With being
cautious and reasonable about you.
I want you, Joan, and I love you. My feelings have been a
growing storm these last weeks. Some people might say
“infatuation”. But I look at the list I wrote and I see you’re
everything I want. The love’s grown so fast because you are
exactly who and what I want.
That you are here now, looking at me, caring for me is
nothing short of a gift of God. A gift of a lifetime. I can
only hope you share some of my feelings and that I will not
scare you with this letter.
So what, exactly, am I saying? That I love you and I’m
done being cautious about it, of trying to reason out how it
will fit into my life and plans. My life and plans will have
to fit into my love. I don’t want to see anyone else but you.
I have no reservations about that or you. So, what else can I
say. That all this is unilateral. These are my feelings, my
love, and my wish to make some commitments with you. If you
feel the same then … then what could I say? Words couldn’t
hold the feelings. But you’ll know. And if this is not what
you want then that will have to be OK too. I’d be a fool to
see you in my life as you are now and not say these things.
And I would far rather risk than loose you from caution.
Your dreams are not so far from mine. I’ve fantascized
all my life about loving someone and working together on things
that were meaningful to both of us. I always thought it was
just a fantasy until I met you. I begin to see things in your
eyes. Of what could be between us. And of what we could do
together. We’re free of what ties most people down and we both
feel spiritual and idealistic leanings that can open up lives
of inner and outer richness limited only by our imaginations.
Until I see you Thursday,
Love,
- Letter to Joan, 18 Mar 86
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
With laughter and patience
conversation and gentle touch,
you coax me to feel again
making me see it’s time for
new challenges.
The months of my learning to be alone
stretch behind me
partly chosen, partly “fate” -
It seemed I’d been always meeting
the “wrong guys” -
loosing myself in them,
but in a way that meant pain.
It seemed I’d feel so much, but come up
empty.
So, looking for reasons inside myself,
I’ve been seeking peace of mind.
All my time and all my searching…
I think my ideas of Love
were more about HAVING.
Me too concerned with someone
giving it to me.
I need the courage
to let Love be something growing, giving,
and free.
I’ve been wanting answers
but they cannot be demanded.
And that’s part of the challenge of Life:
How much do we trust Life and our lessons
and ourselves?
You make me feel I’m in a new stage of learning.
Can I risk? Can I trust? Can I give?
Joan
March 19-20, 1986
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
So, today, I played the French tape Lise gave me.— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Months ago I put it away, too painful to confront. I
remember her telling me what every song said and how
she loved the singers and the love stories there. But,
now, after time has passed, I listen and memories
trigger, poignant and distant, as rich as the passion
and feelings we had then when I was riding for such a
fall. And now the sunlight pours in these March
windows as I sit transfixed by October memories and my
life is new again. That she marked me was never at
issue. Though my survival, when she left, was. She
was the first to open my heart and bring me full out
into the world of love and risk, of feeling and of
passion and pain. Everything is new now because of
her. I feel and I risk. I’ve cleared old debts and
compromises. I’m learning now to deal with one woman
at a time. To give what I want in honesty and
commitments. I see now that love’s moment is now,
feelings are immediate things and that all my old
compromises were just my intellect and cautions
overlaying my love with saftey nets. So the sunlight
pours in here and I wonder; should I call Lise and
thank her and send her these thoughts or should I call
Joan and tell her I love her. A strange mix of sadness
and joy here as my memories empty and my heart fills
and the music plays.
gallagher
25 Mar 86
- a 1st attempt at prose with poetic feelings driving
it.
Joan - March
Summer thunder - warm and moist
Joan comes, is here, leaves.
All my thoughts turn on these moments;
love giving birth to itself in our eyes.
Our minds follow, bemused at the changes.
Hands and eyes, minds and hearts weaving…
we talk, our fantasies on the edge of creation,
our futures changing with every word.
I’m not rational anymore.
Slowly my priorities are sinking
beneath her summer storm,
warm rain of passion.
I’m loosing track of time.
Even now, after two hours,
I wait filled with the ache of missing her
and the joy that she will come again.
gallagher
29 Mar 86
Irvine
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
I like to look at you, absorbing
every detail
of your face; the look in your eyes,
the lines that form when you smile.
And in your voice
I hear warmth and clarity;
the expression from your soul
ringing to the world like a clear bell.
Apart, my thoughts fly back to you
I see your picture and your letter,
and I smile.
3/31 - 4/1/86
Joan
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
I’m going deeper, deeper …
Becoming immersed in this newness of Us.
Each new layer we explore brings us closer,
intensifies the tune.
We reach each other
in so many ways, on so many levels.
We meet on mental bridges that span experience
And share inquires of life and living
We meet in play and laughter
that deepens our joy.
And we meet in passions soft and wild
each new embrace building both
hunger and pleasure.
Joan
3/31 - 4/1/86
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Doubts, honesties, passions,— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
and sometimes deep insecurities
riddle these moments.
It’s getting less clear day by day
who I am and what I want.
Joan walks here with me,
a younger trusting spirit
deep springs of wisdom and feeling
in her eyes.
I’m so scarred by so much
that I’ve seen and done.
Sometimes, as I hold her, I wonder
if I’m looking for shelter
from the storm in her love.
And I look at her then and think
that she’s eager to embark
on life’s journey’s
while I’ve just stumbled back
weary and worn.
gallagher
2 april 86
Sometimes the senses are so keen
in the places that we meet;
Your eyes open to me and I feel
mine open to you,
and as I look I pour love
from my eyes,
and I see it shining in yours,
And there is something soft here,
yet something so sharp.
And why is it that when we talk
in ways that bare our hearts,
reveal our feelings
Your voice takes on new resonance;
because I hear your soul speak?
And entwined together with the
daylight sifting through drapes,
The skin is so alive;
all warm and soft and firm and cool;
living, breathing, feeling skin
There may be little spots of
reservations
But then you show me patience,
honesty and understanding
And I treasure you all the more.
I wonder what we’ve been
for each other through the ages?
When you nip and suck my breasts
I feel so comfortable
something so familiar and timeless
It’s very peaceful and I wonder
perhaps sometime you were my
child.
I imagine a child that consoled
me and made my life happy.
Did I treat you well? Is that
why you are helping me now?
I fell you’re helping me remember,
grow and push to risk.
Joan
aproximately June 1986
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Small worlds, dreams we’re passing through,— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
mist and light in broken time.
I love you, and you love me,
dreams are all we’ve come to see
here against the surging tide,
hearts and hopes are open wide,
honest, now and then, and then, we’ve cried
I know nothing stays the same
love’s an ever finer blade.
Can’t we find the light of love
among the shifting scenes and pain?
Time is passing here outside
and I love this place we’ve made here inside.
gallagher
1-6 Jan 87
- to the cadence of ‘Love is comin’ around again’
by Joni Mitchell
Sparks of love in a material world,— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
spirits of light in rivers of change.
I love you, and you love me;
hands across a changing sea.
Sunlight, shafts of gray and blue,
it’s love in our eyes that I can see
but what do I mean, do I mean, to you?
I’ve got dreams and so do you.
God must have put us here to find
how our dreams can love the rain.
Dreams and love, love can bring us pain.
Love brings us around and around again
to where we face the light in pain
to where we find our spirit’s name.
I love you and I just don’t care
I’ll follow love and dreams anywhere
for time is a raging running tide
washing us away inside our lives.
I will love you, damn the rain.
I will love my dreams and damn the pain.
Love is a shining light to be
but God never said that love came for free.
gallagher
2-6 Jan 87
An early winter evening, motorcycle wind and headlights moving— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
through the lights of houses full of warmth
I open the door into a dark room … the sound of running feet.
She is there with the smell of incense
lighting candles behind the bedroom door.
She and George Winston play in the candle’s light
and I am deeply touched … a smile burns.
I am blessed. …see her love, her playfulness, her passion.
My hands are cold from the dark ride - she enfolds me,
kisses my neck like the heat from a wood stove in wintertime
These feelings of intimacy and togetherness;
I am both spirit and flesh here, transient and imperishable.
This washes over me. …I am loved.
So many years and so many women, just to gain this vision.
To be able to see how deep her goodness and sincerity,
her honest and caring, are.
I tell her this and she laughs at me
she says it just takes some of us longer than others
to see the obvious.
My feelings well … beyond the bed and moment … beyond the page.
All the secret spaces, soft lights, and warm loving embraces,
in all the rooms, centuries, countries, cultures and faces….
These soft moments of intimate reality are,
are much of what is real
and worthy in us.
The rest are only the moments - between the moments
when we touch and cup the small lights of God
which are in each of us.
These moments pass amid jungles …
soft eyes … and bullets … the hands of babies … and death
mixtures … light and shadow … we, who cherish amid destruction.
People abused, people bought and sold,
people confused and used,
people who were once children of light
now rusting in corruption.
This world cannot see it’s insane.
I put down the newspaper, Gorbachev’s struggle,
the starving, the criminal, the heartless.
History rolls behind my eyes … so much night waits
against our small candles, but I remember what is real.
I, too, will dim the room and burn incense.
I know what feeds our hearts and spirits;
the small flames of the Godhead within us.
Through these many centuries of death and corruption,
confusions and loss I will light a candle
and gather our love and peace against the storm.
gallagher
20 Nov 87
On the edge of the end— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
We talked and talked.
And, after she saw how much I cared, she held my hand
and let that gentle inner spirit show in her eyes
like I haven’t seen for days for all the tears and pain.
And I said,
It’s down to the fact that you can’t decide about me.
It’s driving me crazy, my intellect says, ‘run’, she’s going
to drop you, and my heart says, ’stop’, you love her too
much to ever go.
And, in the end, this was much of the reason
for the pain I caused you. My own insecurity.
I said,
the only way to go from here, if we try,
is to redouble our efforts and ‘fight’ for our relationship.
But if she’d had trouble committing before
how about now after I’d trashed her feelings and love
by my stupidity.
And she agreed, it would take time to get by that.
In the end I saw that I’d come to talk her out of
walking away from me forever and into a new try at
making it together. And she said it was too far to go
in too short a time given what I’d done and she’d felt.
She said the fact that we could talk at all was a lot.
So we were at impasse again. Me wanting to begin our
relationship with new commitment and her wanting time.
I said to her,
You own me something…
You own me a decision in some reasonable amout of time.
It makes me crazy to love you and not know if we’re
joining or parting.
And she said,
after all you’ve done to my heart, you owe me something.
Some time.
And so we left it….
gallagher
10 nov 88
Priorities— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
I said,
if two people love each other
and are in a consensus based releationship
and one says to the other
that ‘this’ thing is important to me
then the other, out of love, would probably agree.
and she agreed.
Then all I’m saying is that I love you
and that these things are VERY important to me.
please don’t prevent me.
and you’re saying
and I love you, but don’t ask me
to give up my right to prevent you
gallagher
10 nov 88 #2