SamadhiMuse » Joan

1986-02-20 Joan

Dennis — Thu, 20 Feb 1986 08:02:00 +0000

                          Joan
            We talk of the need to drop needing
            and yet we're so happy to see each other.
            I can hear those soft wings, again.
                                 gallagher
                                 20 Feb 86

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1986-03-02

Dennis — Sun, 02 Mar 1986 08:00:00 +0000

               Joan comes and begins to give me such pleasure
               but I'm not sure what I see or how I feel.
               My attraction and affection for her are strong.
               She drifts in and out of my thoughts all day long
               but Lise has taken me apart so throughly
               that I cannot see Joan as my 'next' woman.
               I don't know what I would've seen or felt
               if I had met Joan before Lise.
               And, now that I'm here on the other side,
               nothing is familiar.
               She's young and intelligent and spiritual
               and I can see she's beginning to care for me.
               It's all new.  Every thought and passion,
               every dream and fear.
               I've traveled so far.  I can meet her here
               but I cannot tell her where we are.
                                    gallagher
                                    2 Mar 86

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1986-03-04

Dennis — Tue, 04 Mar 1986 08:00:00 +0000

               Joan arrives and brings
               vulnerability, doubt and joy.
               I'm scared to death of her
               for the way she uncenters me.
               What is it she does to me?
               Like quicksilver she seeps so quickly
               into my secret heart.
               In mere days I've come to crave her smile
               and fear her loss.
               All my previous composure is gone
               in a week's time.
               Am I this vulnerable now, after Lise?
               Will I be swept away again and again?
               Is this something real or just a rebound?
               And everytime my fear gives me pause
               she comes and shares a secret space
               and I'm gone further
               into a place
               I know less and less.
                                    gallagher
                                    4 Mar 86

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1986-03-05

Dennis — Wed, 05 Mar 1986 08:00:00 +0000


                 35,000 ft, my thoughts like swirling birds.
                 Joan and her spiritualism are focusing me hard.
                 No casual affair; her effect on me.
                 No face passing in a moment of light or lust
                 but a catalyst and an unleashing in me...
                 realizations and recognitions
                 pass like crossing swords where she is.
                 It's not that I should grasp at her
                 or resist her here
                 but that I should let her simply play out
                 her part unburdened
                 and learn from all that she evokes in me
                 or gives to me
                 or takes from me.
                 She brings me my own.
                 My own possessiveness and insecurity,
                 my own needs and fears.
                 She reveals me to myself,
                 so quickly has she cut me open.
                                    gallagher
                                    5 mar 86

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1986-03-06 3/6/86

Dennis — Thu, 06 Mar 1986 08:00:00 +0000

                                                         3/6/86
         Yes, Dennis
         I'm waiting for you to call
         I think you'd like to know that
         But how much shall I say?
         You're very verbal and I like it,
         But if I say too much,
         Are you going to take a few steps back?
         I think this because ... I wonder
            if you're the type who likes to be
               in control?
         Are you the kind that gets uneasy
               when you're not calling the shots?
         After all, if someone gets close by their
               own choice,
         they can always back away;
         they're controling the closeness
         But if someone ELSE leads it ...
               then THEY are "in control".
         I'm not worried.
         Just wondering.
         It's not like I'm contemplating
               throwing myself at you!
         I feel a fondness and affection
         and much interest in your mind
         I like your company
         And am hoping you'll remain
               a friend to me (on one level or another)

                                    Joan
                                    6 Mar 86

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1986-03-08

Dennis — Sat, 08 Mar 1986 08:00:00 +0000

A few days away from everyone
and, finally, some perspective.

It’s becoming clear I want to become
platonic with Rose for both our sakes
and it’s clear also
that Joan’s idea of going slow is good.

Rose and I will never be
what the other’s looking for
and Joan and I or anyone else
can never succeed
unless I can approach love
in a centered way.

I’ve fallen into Joan so quickly
and felt her presence so strongly.

What about just me, alone …
no Rose, no Joan, no Lise.
Just me, centered, happy, and optimistic
and realistic.

That’s someone worth sharing with another.

gallagher
8 mar 86

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1986-03-11

Dennis — Tue, 11 Mar 1986 08:00:00 +0000

This man is a friend who satisfies my mind (as few have) and communicates with me so well (though we're of different pasts) This man offers me pleasure And I, a woman, ponder complexities I feel. My body eagerly remembers and imagines While my mind - no, more than my mind, something in my heart and soul - Reminds me there's much more involved here. Than Bodies. Something inside me seems to whisper, "Listen, listen." What is it? I ask myself At times before, I thought my sense was only fear But trying to ignore it brought regret and confusion. Suddenly I'm seeming it may just come down to Admitting and accepting what I truely feel: I have this ideal that is so much more than passing pleasure... Dare I say what I really want Is simply a love that is deep and enduring and true, with someone who'll stay around in my life? Making love without doubts or hesitation Selves meetinbg on deepest levels, Each comfortable in the other's caring... When I try to accept less, part of me wishes for more and feels I've been denied Do I expect too much? But I can't just think about a temporary feel good I don't want to be someone's conquest or diversion. Part of me will feel I've sold my dreams and said, "I don't believe I can have what I most desire." Besides, if I give up what's true for me to please someone else, I won't be acting from my real self - so then how can I believe they love (or even know) the "real me"? And I'd be giving them the responsability to "make me happy".

                                    Joan
                                    11 March 86
????dennisPOETRY?3-11#2.JR

I must listen to my own Sense of Things

and not try to force the love I desire,

but believe it will come in due time ...

as I continue to know myself better

and extend to those around me.

This man is a friend who means a lot.

I lke having him close, and

he may not understand,

but I must be true with what I feel

and take the chance

to be met with understanding

(Remembering that I must first

accept what I feel before I expect

someone else to)

Joan

11 march 1986

1986-03-18 18 Mar 1986

Dennis — Tue, 18 Mar 1986 08:00:00 +0000

                                                  18 Mar 1986
      Dear Joan,
           I've lost track of how many letters I've begun to you and
      then abandoned.  Not because what I had to say wasn't pressing
      but more because my courage has faltered to say so much; to
      admit I feel all this.  Love calls.  Should I pick up the
      phone?  Everything says yes, but my willingness to risk and
      feel so much.  It holds me.
           I wrote somethings about you after we hung up tonight.
      Trying to clear my thinking about how fast my feelings are
      moving with you and what I think of you and what I want:
                        Joan is
                        quality
                        sincerity
                        a beautiful spirit
                        intellectual
                        a friend
                        a lover
                        honest
                        compassionate
                        straightforward
                        secure
                        centered
                        not egotistical
                        not judgemental
                        healthy
                        physical
                        coordinated
                        unburdened by her past
                        flexible with her future
                        pretty
                        spiritual
                        idealistic
                        open minded
                        non-materialistic
           The list could probably go on but this is enough.  I'm in
      awe that such a person could care for me.  That God should have
      shined such grace on me.  It makes my eyes water to say such
      things and I'm sure it will when I say them in person.
           Joan, for all the things I've done there's one I've not.
      I've never chosen to give myself wholeheartedly to loving
      someone.  Rose and I married for conveience and rebellion and
      discovered soon after that more was required and spent most of
      our lives trying to patch our folly.  And Lise and I loved for
      passion and sophistication and ultimately we came to respect
      each other but it never quickened to commitment.  It hung
      suspended on doubts and differences and compromises until it
      died.  No one else has been important.  Perhaps Lise is only
      important because she is recent and because, by dropping me,
      she woke me up from my long compromise dream.
           I look at the list on the first page and at my feelings.
      I remember your face and your smile.  And I wonder what I can
      be thinking of.  I must be asleep in the midst of God's grace
      that you should care for me and I hesitate.  That I should
      think that anything might be more important.  Because, my love,
      nothing is.  Nothing.
           I'm done with watching for reservations.  With being
      cautious and reasonable about you.
           I want you, Joan, and I love you.  My feelings have been a
      growing storm these last weeks.  Some people might say
      "infatuation".  But I look at the list I wrote and I see you're
      everything I want.  The love's grown so fast because you are
      exactly who and what I want.
           That you are here now, looking at me, caring for me is
      nothing short of a gift of God.  A gift of a lifetime.  I can
      only hope you share some of my feelings and that I will not
      scare you with this letter.
           So what, exactly, am I saying?  That I love you and I'm
      done being cautious about it, of trying to reason out how it
      will fit into my life and plans.  My life and plans will have
      to fit into my love.  I don't want to see anyone else but you.
      I have no reservations about that or you.  So, what else can I
      say.  That all this is unilateral.  These are my feelings, my
      love, and my wish to make some commitments with you.  If you
      feel the same then ... then what could I say?  Words couldn't
      hold the feelings.  But you'll know.  And if this is not what
      you want then that will have to be OK too.  I'd be a fool to
      see you in my life as you are now and not say these things.
      And I would far rather risk than loose you from caution.
           Your dreams are not so far from mine.  I've fantascized
      all my life about loving someone and working together on things
      that were meaningful to both of us.  I always thought it was
      just a fantasy until I met you.  I begin to see things in your
      eyes.  Of what could be between us.  And of what we could do
      together.  We're free of what ties most people down and we both
      feel spiritual and idealistic leanings that can open up lives
      of inner and outer richness limited only by our imaginations.
                              Until I see you Thursday,
                                    Love,
      - Letter to Joan, 18 Mar 86

1986-03-19

Dennis — Wed, 19 Mar 1986 08:00:00 +0000

            With laughter and patience
                 conversation and gentle touch,
            you coax me to feel again
              making me see it's time for
                 new challenges.
            The months of my learning to be alone
                 stretch behind me
            partly chosen, partly "fate" -
            It seemed I'd been always meeting
                 the "wrong guys" -
            loosing myself in them,
                 but in a way that meant pain.
            It seemed I'd feel so much, but come up
                 empty.
            So, looking for reasons inside myself,
                 I've been seeking peace of mind.
            All my time and all my searching...
            I think my ideas of Love
                 were more about HAVING.
            Me too concerned with someone
                 giving it to me.
            I need the courage
              to let Love be something growing, giving,
                 and free.
            I've been wanting answers
                 but they cannot be demanded.
            And that's part of the challenge of Life:
            How much do we trust Life and our lessons
                 and ourselves?
            You make me feel I'm in a new stage of learning.
            Can I risk?  Can I trust?  Can I give?
                                 Joan
                                 March 19-20, 1986

1986-03-25

Dennis — Tue, 25 Mar 1986 08:00:00 +0000

So, today, I played the French tape Lise gave me.
Months ago I put it away, too painful to confront. I
remember her telling me what every song said and how
she loved the singers and the love stories there. But,
now, after time has passed, I listen and memories
trigger, poignant and distant, as rich as the passion
and feelings we had then when I was riding for such a
fall. And now the sunlight pours in these March
windows as I sit transfixed by October memories and my
life is new again. That she marked me was never at
issue. Though my survival, when she left, was. She
was the first to open my heart and bring me full out
into the world of love and risk, of feeling and of
passion and pain. Everything is new now because of
her. I feel and I risk. I’ve cleared old debts and
compromises. I’m learning now to deal with one woman
at a time. To give what I want in honesty and
commitments. I see now that love’s moment is now,
feelings are immediate things and that all my old
compromises were just my intellect and cautions
overlaying my love with saftey nets. So the sunlight
pours in here and I wonder; should I call Lise and
thank her and send her these thoughts or should I call
Joan and tell her I love her. A strange mix of sadness
and joy here as my memories empty and my heart fills
and the music plays.

gallagher
25 Mar 86

– a 1st attempt at prose with poetic feelings driving
it.