SamadhiMuse

                           KK
         Unmoved by her candor, passion or maturity
         my melancholy carried me thru
         How, I wonder, can I share myself with another
         when I’m so torn and confused and thin now…
         jaded and pensive I said ‘yes’ to her
         and showed myself once again
         I’m empty … not much more left to share
         Rose’s pain, has filled me up and emptied me
         She’s gone, and all these others talk in vain
         My confusion is so deep, my emptiness so wide
         that my lover’s smiles can’t find me inside.
                              gallagher
                              05-18-78
                              Long Beach

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

               Did you know you smile in
                     your sleep?
               You must be having good dreams
               I wonder if I am there - -
                     no matter,
               for now, I am content with being
                     your reality.
               You make me run-through-the
               sprinkler-on-a-hot-day happy.
               Like a playful breeze you’ve
               blown ever-so-gently across
               my life.
               You cool me,
                  refresh me,
                     gentle me
               I know you’ll blow away,
                              but wait,
               Please wait,
                  at least until the heat has passed.
                              Kathi K.
                              05-22-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                           Oz
      Poetic lady … Kansas and Oz …
      two reflections of the same thing
      in our eyes … changing life.
      That you can sometimes change
      from one to the other
      what does it matter …
      stand still and they will both blow by
      I’m a little bitter or melancholy, perhaps
      I’ve been pressing the Oz out of life so long now
      that all I hear are the lonely rumblings
      of my emotional freight trains running thru the nights
      some coming … some going.
      Their whistles scream “Oz” … “Oz”
      their journeys always end in Kansas
      Not too long ago
      I thought I was better than conventional love
      and I left the fireside to run for the trains, repeatedly
      but now I doubt that I was up to it … love …
      trains always drop you in Kansas
      and Kansas ain’t much without firesides.
                           Gallagher
                           Long Beach thinking about Kathi K.
                           05-23-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

            and when the dust had settled
               she realized she was still in kansas
            and God but its hard to stay in kansas
                  after you’ve been to oz
                              Kathi K.
                              05-23-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

           Easy now life…don’t take me too hard
              I can’t stand to walk so suddenly
           into the endless views of nothing
              but the results of what my deeds may be.
           It seems you’re swapping now…day by day
              coming on stronger with pain and pleasure….
           Kathi calls it Kansas and Oz
              but it just worries me…with no place to fall.
           Rose’s name has blown away in the wind
              and these others like shadows come and go.
           Oz today…Kansas tomorrow.
           I feel the flow coming down on me,
              my life is hard a-press
           and I’m distilled out to where
              dreams and reality have come head to head.
           Hear me, life…don’t walk so hard.
              I want to love you gently…
                  without bitterness or tears.
                              gallagher
                              23 may 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

   I been to Kansas and I’ve seen the wind blow
   And I’ve seen the weary eyed people, smiling, pack up and go
   bound for Oz … ever Eastward easy dream …
   That they can leave the Kansas dust behind them
   is easy … so it seems
   But I’ve found the days wait relentless here
   I’ve come back too many times …
   to the morning after empty days
   with the wine and passion burned out.
   We can go to Oz together and hide from that Kansas wind
   but when we return its always alone
   To the state we left our life in.
                           gallagher
                           Long Beach - Kathi K.
                           05-24-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

   but as for me
   my dreams are in the west, where only ocean breezes blow
               and the breeze of your
                  sweet breath across my
                        bare skin
                                          and that is real.
   in my state beats the relentless heat of suppression
   and there are no immigration laws that say you can’t live here
                                                save those you make.
   and as for me
   this is my first trip here
   and I’ve returned not alone, but with the wine and passion
   burning deep inside me.
   and if i see the emerald city in your cool eyes,
            i may be forgiven –
                                 i always did like emerald
                                                better than jade.
                              Kathi K.
                              05-24-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                        Kathi K.
      Confusion’s growing, just where my senses said …
      Her feelings, her children, her husband, her law school,
      her passion, her family, herself, and me.
      The lack of conscious choice leads us
      and our honesty into ever narrower passages
      I truly care for her and, if she were free, I would love her;
      her mind, her passion, her company are excellent …
      but so much reality … so many lives … many she loves
      and all of whom need her love … stand in the way.
      And she … she just wants to let it happen ‘naturally…’
      She’s honest and naive in such proportions I cannot grasp her.
      I feel it all short lived … too finely balanced …
         if she continues in a hurry.
      Her problems are much more complex than mine ever were
         and her approach less cautious
      My eyes get bigger as we continue … and I hold myself
      for once she told me I judged her too soon … far too soon.
      Events are running … time’s running … she’s moving
      school’s starting … Nichol’s ending …
      and now she wants to go to Colorado with me
      and she tells Chuck after Chuck’s displayed jealousy towards me
      and she wants to mix Amy and Danny when Danny knows
      she’s a girlfriend of mine … Lord!…
      And she talks good philosophy
      and has passion as good as I’ve seen
      and she’s easy to be with and likes me
      Lord … look out world … just look out world.
                           gallagher
                           Long Beach - about Kathi K.
                           05-30-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                     Taking Ron’s truck home
         Capture these days
            The desert sun and the indian miles
         Durango, Flagstaff … the San Luis Valley
         All the hours Kathi and I talked and made love
         The evenings there in other cities
         The day we bussed across southern Colorado
            and walked thru Colorado Springs
         and, finally, the flight from Denver
            and the rocky mountain’s massive lines
         Ron and Sally’s trailer, Kathi and I, and they
            the easy friendship and how, smoking grass,
               I saw Kathi’s spirit shine so clearly
         Hugh Prather’s book, we read …
         across the Arizona desert
            in the Durango motel
               and in the Trailways bus
                  oblivious to those around us
         Dinners and smiles in Flagstaff
            making love driving … and atop Wolf Creek pass
         Sunshine hours and days pressed, living,
            between the beginning and end of our journey
         Here on the ground again, with Colorado just four hours old
            it all seems forever distant
         But here the impress of Kathi’s spirit remains
            with its honesty and passion and intelligence
               and, most of all, with its free standing love.
                        gallagher
                        Long Beach - about Kathi K. & I going to
                                     Colorado
                        06-13-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                        KK and Colorado
         What changed with her in the mountains?
         her spirit and candor spoke straight to me
         until I could resist no more
         and now her eyes mean something to me.
         How strange … does love create its own reflection?
         no matter, its right … I miss her love.
         How could I not love this woman?
         Strong and open, intelligence and thoughtful,
         loving and needing love, independent and fair,
         she’s a wonder of a human being ….
         The more I see into her … the more I see
         every question squarely dealt with and answered
         every emotion lived … not hidden ….
         But I suppose, most of all, its her love,
         her love that she gives so freely,
         that I need most and least understand.
         I hope she doesn’t find me lacking
            as she dances her heart into mine.
                           gallagher
                           Long Beach - about Kathi K.
                           06-14-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

I ache for love …
for its absence …
for the hole its left
here in the silent spaces deep inside …
where I am … where I wait
Kathi said she wanted to love …
that it had been so long … too long
but my ache hadn’t been deep enough yet to hear her
   when she spoke the truth
now I know that I’m crying too, deep inside …
for all the needs I’ve tried to hide
and now her words talk to me …
I remember how she said them …
I hear her, oh Lord, you know I do …
the same spirit cries there as mine …
she’s got strength to spare, I know …
   but she still cries … for love, for more
but what can we do here, this life is so complex …
it seems to go on and on
its no longer enough just to love …
freedom comes within us too …
and we need to learn to understand …
that trust is so much more
than the touches we might bestow on another’s skin …
   or the things we could say to them
I feel her love like warm whiskey exploding in my stomach …
flushed with the flow … I feel myself going over …
   my feelings begin to grow.
                           gallagher
                           6-25-78 - about Kathi K.
                           long beach

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

            I never knew that I could
            love two women at once
            brown eyes, both…and both Kathys
            each so different in all the tangibles
            and yet, both so essentially real
            in those spaces behind our looks
            and our touches
            Does either of them take from the other?
            I don’t compare…I just feel
            I don’t judge…I just care
            I’m not sure how it will work
            but I’ll continue to love both of them
            Love and life…they get so rich sometimes
            I just want my skin to burst warm
            and radiate thanks in all directions
            thank you, life.
                                 gallagher
                                 29 june 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                        -  1  -
It began when I shared my feeling that
seeing each other now for mere hours
seemed so much less than Palm Springs
or our Colorado trip
      That we could not hit the same depths somehow now
      and that the transition to this new place
      seemed to rob our magic of some of its fire
      just when I would wish to burnish it more
I said I’m not complaining but just sharing
and did it feel the same to her?…
it did, she said, and her voice and spirit
seemed to withdraw to somewhere inside of her
      Then she said she was never sure how I felt when she had to leave
      that it seemed as if I was always so logical, philosophical
      and she wondered if I was really so
      or if I hid my loss to protect her or myself somehow
and then the tangles began … semantics … and points of view
leaving … responsibility … resentments at being judged
needs … sharing … integrity … manipulation
these emotional magnetic riptides of needs unleashed
      I said so long as I didn’t meddle with her decisions
      by pressing my needs to her
      that I could feel free of responsibility
      for the problems and pain of her family
And she said she would not let herself be manipulated
and that she resented my prejudging her so
that my withholding my needs was a lack of trust in her
and she left my mind spinning as she equated
   integrities independence with insecurities lack of trust.
      I said what of the golden rule …
      shouldn’t I do as I would have done?
      and she said don’t do to me to meet YOUR needs
      do to me to meet MINE and I’ll do the same for you
So is her need then that I should need her?
is it then that I should bear my feelings of responsibility
rather than dare to refuse to interfere?
      What is all this … I just want to love someone
         like me … free.
                           gallagher
                           7-17-78 - about Kathi K.
                           Long Beach

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                           Giving our needs
      I won’t give the part of myself that needs away again
      its a pandora’s gift at best
      it insidiously crawls into the heart of another
      and tries to change them and trades much away
      If I express my needs and you meet them because you love me
         then its ALL because you want to
      but, if I press my need to you as an emotional pressure
      and you meet my need,
      how am I to be sure you gave freely to me?
      I will share my feelings and needs
         but they must remain here in ME
      I want to love you as you are
         not to become a part of you.
      free presents come from free people
         I won’t have any other kind for I won’t extort
      and if you tell me you wouldn’t let yourself be extorted
         so I should go ahead and give you my needs
            I wonder why you wouldn’t rather have me
               standing on my own two feet.
                              gallagher - to Kathi K.
                              Long Beach
                              07-17-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

      When you look into me
            you are Columbus and i am America
            you are Marco Polo and i am China
      Your eyes are your ship
            and with them you ride
            the deep oceans of my soul.
      and you discover me and seek my treasure
            and you find
                           the gold that is my heart
                     and the silk that is my spirit
                     and the jewels that are my thoughts
                     and the diamonds that are my tears
                           and sometimes my laughter
      Come, brave explorer
      for there is still much to discover
      Come take the treasure of my being
      for you have planted your flag
            upon my heart
         and all that lies within
                                    is yours
                                       for the journey
——
      Sweet Man-child
      your wide-eyed innocence fills my heart
      your trust in life, tho from the start
                        she left you
               left you with so few warm places
               left you a searcher for kind faces
               left you a seeker of soft embraces
      When will you grow
         when will you know
               that she won’t hold you?
                           Kathi K.
                           07-18-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

         It seems so much clearer now
         now that I’ve seen her eyes…like mine
         chasing the unobtainable lover’s dream
         just as I’m chasing mine.
         Its ironic how we each love someone else
         who loves us less in turn
         but yearns for the lover of another yet
         who loves them also less in turn.
         Jim would possess Kathy
         and she would have me
         And I would have Kathleen
         and she, I’ve seen, longs for Ted.
         These lover’s conjunctions - always and ever mismatched
         we seek the things we can never have
         from other who do the same
         in an endless lover’s chain.
                              gallagher
                              27 july 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

      Kathleen A.
         Helen K.
            Kathi K.
               and now, Helen O.
      How rich it grows
         the light seems to never lessen
      Diana C.
         Carol K.
            Beverly S.
               Suzanne S.
      I can’t believe them all
         each one some incredible wonder, joy.
      I feel like Siddartha wandering among life’s lures
         eagerly passing thru …  touching each thing openly
            no hurry … just learn and see
               whose love, whose real … what I feel.
                           gallagher
                           28 jul 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

      The tides in my life are rolling
      these days begin to focus their force on me
      rebirth again…just as I’ve called for it…again and again.

      The easy paths always divide
      and I’m forced to choose, forced to focus, forced to endure
      where two weeks ago I had it all
      today, I’m looking at chaos and confusion.

      Rose wants me to come back
      Helen’s in a mental hospital
      and the other three are stepping away for another look.

      I want to hold on the to clarity of my gut visions
      but they’re so easily lost
      personalities, priority conflicts, needs, finite energy
      I’m small against my history, today.

      I know I’m going to take a ride
      through my doubts and fears to some other side.

      If you would, love me, life.
      help me through to the other side…intact
      with all my love and my freedom…and all my dreams.

                              gallagher
                              03 Sep 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

   The concert continues … the players rearrange themselves
   careful not to lose your identity as the roles change
   what you are must be independent of who you’re with
   or you can lose yourself if they leave.
   The evening allowed me my time alone
   the music, the running, the book by Irwin Shaw
   that Kathy gave me … I think on every page…she read this.
   I’m thirty … is it so bad … I love … am loved
   if someone comes, stays or leaves … is it so bad?
   can it be so bad if I am constant, if I can resist
   the maddening urge to ‘need’ love in order to feel OK
   resist the urge to invest myself
   at the first sign of acceptance from another.
   Just love them as they are, as they come…
   am I a coward … Kathi said I hedge my bets
   but she says this from inside a marriage
   I just don’t know … I’ll invest all I can
   without losing myself or my beliefs
   and if its too hard, I’ll pull back.
   I cannot do better
   win or lose
   and so the concert continues….
                           gallagher
                           11 september 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                        Kathi K.
      Conjunction marred by a mismatch in love
      we look thru different glasses
      she loves me with magic and depth
      and I care for her deeply, but not the same
      Intelligence, passion, ideals, … so much.
      She read a list I made
      of all the things I want in a woman
      and she wondered where she missed
      I read it too, then, and reflected …
      I don’t know either
      she’s there in every respect
      with more of each thing, and in balance,
      than any of these others that confuse my feelings
      and yet … and yet some deep magic
      will not quicken
      I know I must trust my feeling
      or put my life into limbo
      but I don’t understand any more than she
      why it is so … why must my compassion and integrity
      struggle blind while she loves unrepaired.
                           gallagher
                           Long Beach
                           10-14-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —