SamadhiMuse » Sharon

1989-01-04

Dennis — Wed, 04 Jan 1989 08:00:00 +0000

Winter always comes.
Dan told Sharon and me about he and Tiffany
and my heart ached for him.

His first love and pain and loss
and I doubt I’ve learned much
20 years on.

Outside, rain and gray skies.
Inside, somewhere, Joan receeds with a slow ache
and Sharon acends.

Softness and steel, enlightenment and caution.

My futures murmuring … ‘89 finds me
unfocused and unsettled
falling in love with a moving target.

She calls out the best in me
but, sometimes, I just want her to hold me
and, sometimes, she does.

gallagher
4 jan 89
san juan capistrano

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1989-01-06

Dennis — Fri, 06 Jan 1989 08:00:00 +0000

Buddha says that if we want something,
we open ourselves to the possibility of disappointment
and someone else said we get what we need.

All that I know of women and karma and connectivity
is far too simple for she who now stands before me.

Companion, friend, lover, teacher
big challenge …

I cannot dominate her. I cannot lie or hide from her.
I cannot predict her or take her love and openhandedness
for granted.
And yet, she brings, gives, is
everything I want, without barter.

God, my friend, are you laughing there
where chance and destiny are woven?

Nicaragua, indeed entire continents, await.
Wind in their trees and passion on my pages.

She stands in front of me like elevator shafts
and vertigo.
God’s laughter is kind.

gallagher
6 jan 89
san juan capistrano

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1989-02-18

Dennis — Sat, 18 Feb 1989 08:00:00 +0000

                     I'm afraid to be alone
                     because my mother left me alone
                     so much.
                     Women are
                     not being alone.
                     I chose Joan
                     because I knew she would be
                     at least as addicted to me
                     as I to her
                     and after dealing with
                     open and unpredictable Lise
                     that was important.
                     I don't doubt loving Sharon
                     but I'm afraid
                     because her lack of visible addiction
                     brings back memories and fear
                     of the pain Lise gave me
                     and of being alone.
                                 gallagher
                                 18 feb 89

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1989-02-25

Dennis — Sat, 25 Feb 1989 08:00:00 +0000

I understand why you and I work.
We both wanted someone with our own level of intelligence
and who would judge us based on our spiritual goals.
That’s where we live.
We could be with someone who judged us on grooming
or business acumen but what good would that be for us?
That you share the same spiritual goals is everything.
The fact that so much else falls into place nicely
is just gravy.
And maybe it means we’re going to get the issue of relationships
worked out this time and free and impower each other
at the same time.
If we, as two people, can get along
then it gives us credibility
if we turn our attention outward.
And, the best part of all this
is that I don’t know any reason why it can’t be so
and it’s what I want.

gallagher
san juan capistrano
25 feb 89

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1989-02-27

Dennis — Mon, 27 Feb 1989 08:00:00 +0000

You go away
and I miss the touch of your skin
and the edge of your intelligence,
the pleasure of your sincerity.

But when you are gone
I reflect and read and exist
in the quiet spaces
and there are insights
and different contentments.

And as I seek for truth and light
you constantly come to mind
and I treasure these thoughts
even as I treasure your return.

gallagher
sjc
27 feb 89

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1989-12-31 – Wedding vows

Dennis — Sun, 31 Dec 1989 08:10:11 +0000

Opening

Just as this marriage will be only what we make of it, so this marriage ceremony is ours to shape and share with you today.

There is ceremony and there are the things of our hearts and both have their places here today.

And so we each want to say a little about what it is we are doing here today because, to us, our marriage is a public affirmation and commitment to that which has grown between us.

And we can think of no one we would rather share these affirmations with than you, our friends.

Guests

Brenda Araya
Mike Bryga
Carl Chapman and Denise
Dave Christensen
Christopher Gallagher
Daniel Gallagher
Kathey Goss
Susan de la Portia
Patricia Webster

- – -

Counterpoint

(these were our vows in addition to the pastor’s)

Sharon: That in marriage, we will become one in many ways. We will not erase ourselves as individuals, but we will each think of “us” before we think of “I”.

Dennis: That fidelity is a deep truth that has no limits to its domain. It includes thoughts and intents as well as actions. We pledge absolute fidelity to each other.

Sharon: That continuing growth and increasing spirituality are the cornerstones of our joint purpose here.

Dennis: That habits, assumptions, dogma and taking things for granted are all anathema to what we are about.

Sharon: That honesty and self-understanding are among the greatest gifts we can give each other.

Dennis: That we will not obligate or encumber the other in anyway without their knowledge and approval.

Sharon: That we will never interfere with the other’s growth or self-expression.

Dennis: That we are equal and free from all roles and social expectations with respect to our genders.

Sharon: That we shall constantly challenge our own belief systems in the hope of revealing better ones.

Dennis: That while we may not always agree, we will always seek to understand the truth, where ever it lies, as our highest goal. It matters not who is right or wrong on any issue, only that we find understanding.

Sharon: That in all decisions, we will ask, “Is it for the highest good of all concerned?”.

Dennis: That we will keep no secrets from each other or ourselves. Our hearts and minds are and will remain open books to each other.

Sharon: That in joining our knowledge and skills together, we become a whole greater than the sum of our individual parts.

Dennis: That we enter this marriage without reservations or doubts about either ourself or our partner.

- – -

(and then a poem I read aloud about Sharon – she didn’t know I was going to do this)

About Sharon

I never thought I would meet someone like Sharon.
And, even when I imagined a partner for myself,
my vision fell short of the realityI’ve realized she is.

Her intelligence and understanding are
more than a match for my own
and, like you, I can see only parts
of the wonder and complexity she is.

But there is one part of her, that for me,
shines brighter than all the rest
and that is her integrity.

She is like a bell that has been well cast;
she rings truth and clarity and honesty
in everything she does.

For me she is, and has been,
a challenge and a gift of immense proportions.
Her honesty has invited mine and
her clarity has broken through
the dark shadows of my past.

Because of what God has given me in her,
I once again have
the growing clarity and freedom and purpose
necessary to realize my best dreams.

Her truth and integrity in my life
have meant nothing less to me
than my own spiritual rebirth.

Amen.

Dennis
31 Dec 1989

2009-01-02 – a dream of love

Dennis — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 21:51:35 +0000


In a dream, I've just awoken and I'm musing on the day to come.
Today, we leave for Germany and then, later, Thailand.
It's early morning, and we'll be gone by five this afternoon.
My son, Chris, is there; he's three or four years of age
and being prepared for the day by his mother.
Such love and trust in his eyes.

She's explaining that by the time he gets home, we'll be gone.
You can see that he's scared but that he wants to be brave.
By now, I'm in the next room sitting on a couch and I can hear
that his mother is telling him that while we're in Thailand,
perhaps he can come and visit.

She says that we're going to tie something around his wrist
so that he can remember us and feel our love.
It's going to be a thin green twig and as I'm sitting on the couch
I'm looking at a half dozen of so of them.
I can't imagine that any of them are going to work;
they are too big and inflexible to tie around his wrist.

He's ready to go now and you can feel things are shifting.
His mother's saying it's going to be alright
and you can feel his small heart breaking as he's taken away
and as all this is happening, I'm wondering what to pack.

Now, I really awake from my dream of waking
and I am sad for that little boy and sad for myself and Sharon
as I feel my real life and my decisions gathering around me
in the early morning light.

When we love, we are each, each other's children who need love.
And we are each our own adult
obsessed with our own thoughts and desires.

Sharon and I are this for each other
and out of my fears about my mortality
and my obsessions with my own dreams
I've left her child torn of its dreams and hurt.

Its ever been the same with me;
that my dreams and obsessions are always the pain
of those that love and need me
and I ever turn restless under the limitations
that I feel love imposes
even though I am a child and need love as well.

So, here I am in New Zealand half a world from her
and living the life of a runaway ghost
surrounded by married friends
all a drift in their own stories and lives.

I am unfulfilled and she is torn and our marriage hangs by a thread.
Do I really think, still, at 61, that I don't need love
and that I am not bound to give what I want?
Do I imagine that I can begin again?

I am forever a fool in this life.

Gallagher
2Jan09

2008-11-01

Dennis — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 05:38:37 +0000


Here in the twilight time, I ask myself, 'where'
   is the passion and the mystery?
Everything changes as your perspective changes.
   And, as in the Tarot, there is what lies before you
      and what lies behind you.
There is no wealth or fame or power that touches me now
   the future here is not such a deep pool of water.
This woman, this house, this business, this life,
   they fade before the immanence of the end times.

I used to seek the storm and refuse the safe places.
   I was a warrior for experience
      but now I see the universe approaching.
These bones, this form and all that has celebrated and grown
   now contemplates an end to that which ever seemed endless.

Beloved, in this, as in all things, I am yours.
   I would like to live for many years but, if you call me,
      I will come willingly.
My hands are your hands, my voice your voice, my will your will.
   If there is more, I long to see it and if there is not
      then I will never know.
What is there in this to fear?
   Nothing.   I am ready.

If the time is to be short, then there will be a revision of priorities.
   Now, Beloved, as you like it, now, Beloved, as you will it.
      now, Beloved, as you want it.
Let us lift these cups, my wife, here or in New Zealand, together or alone
   but never to turn aside or deny.

And before this beautiful body of mine falters
   and before pleasure gives way to pain, I will decide.
I will 'own' myself and the moment and I will choose
   the time and the place of my departure.
and in meditation advance into the light or vanish
   as the truth may be, for I can go nowhere else.

                                                       gallagher
                                                       01 Nov 2008

2010-01-11

Dennis — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 23:16:22 +0000


I wrote a long E-Mail to Sharon this evening.
A long and last appeal for our marriage not to end.
I poured my heart and my feelings out there
   and, indeed, it makes me sad to read what I wrote.

But what makes me sadder is that
   when I was done and reread it,
      my heart spoke to me and told me
         that she would not be able to hear me.

She pours concrete behind her
   and she cannot come back.
And, without coming back,
   there can be no deep forgivness.

I fear she has never seen as much good in me
   as I've seen in her.

11 Jan 2010
gallagher

2010-02-16 – Another cut

Dennis — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:22:09 +0000


I wonder if we know what we're losing.
Tonight, in bed, the memories and feelings began to turn and haunt me.
Tomorrow, I will have all of my personal life shipped here to New Zealand.
A sad ending, another tie broken.
And then I realized how few ties there are left and how tenuous they are.
The accounting and the computers are now all that connect us.
The house, no longer my house.
Never to sit in that meditation chair she made for me again.
To pet the cats, walk down to Paradise, admire the pond in the front yard.
All cut off and unreachable.
Never to stand and read again  in the kitchen while she prepares a meal.
To sit in the TV room and enjoy a show together.
To discuss our day.
To sleep in beds just beside each other.

All these things unraveling are tearing my heart out.
All these things that were part of a marriage until death do us part.
The end of shared experience is the hardest.
The real treasure lost.
Where we live, what we have or don't have, is so much less.
One day, the last cut will sever us.
The accounting books will be closed one day and then the ebb and flow
   of all that will be lost to me.
And the computer links that let me see our place
   will be closed as well and I will be blind and lost
      to all that was there, once mine.

These lives, these tragedies, these broken hearts are real.
It doesn't get any more real than this.
As the country and western song says,
   "This ain't no rehearsal."

I feel like I am being punished for having had a dream.
And for trying to carry us into a new life.
For listening to history and the future and heeding its whisperings.
The joy of creating something new with your partner
   was lost somewhere along the way - to this terrible place.
The marriage that was suppose to be forever
   has floundered on insecurities, distrust and anger.
Am I to blame?
Perhaps.
But then so is she; tied to her fears, her need for security,
   and her anger and lack of trust.
What does it matter who is the one?
A dream is ending and every time another part is pulled away
   I feel the greatest sadness of my life gathering.
We began so well, with such intents and promises,
   to end so very poorly.
I wonder if I can survive such heartbreak.

gallagher
17 Feb 2010 - Christchurch