SamadhiMuse » Vows

1978-08-06 WISH LIST

Dennis — Sun, 06 Aug 1978 08:02:00 +0000

WISH LIST

I want a woman who

mentally

– likes herself
– is intelligent
– self-actualizing
– relativistic and non-conventional
– has rational mental processes
– feels an independent career wish
– is not tied to specific attitudes or places
– enjoys change

physically

– has fair looks and reasonable proportions
– no major physical disabilities; congenital or acquired
– has positive attitude toward fitness
– exercises
– is a non-smoker
– has a moderate to strong sex drive

emotionally

– feels things deeply
– loves and wants to be loved without dependence
– has no particular goals for ‘us’; i.e. possessions or kids
– is emphathetic and is aware of it
– understands herself emotionally

spiritually

– not conventionally religious
– inclined towards some philosophical introspection
– lives ‘here and now’

summary:

– monogamy not necessary but probably will be the case if I found
such a person, assuming she felt the same.

gallagher
06 aug 78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1980-04-09 MEDITATIONS

Dennis — Wed, 09 Apr 1980 08:00:00 +0000

MEDITATIONS

I resolve that the most important thing confronting me
is the task of becoming what I want to become.
I recognize that, when at brief moments, I become conscious,
I know what I want.
And that what I want is to retain this awareness
and there is no way to do this
short of wanting it more than anything else.
I want to become what I want when I am conscious.

I want to be the master of my physical body’s(mind’s) condition
within those limits that my age and genetic inheritance impose.
And if faith or will power
can gain me more than that
then I want that too.
My body (mind) is mine if I will claim it.

I want the manifestation of my consciousness
to become my conscious foreground
and the details of my life; its work, its involvements,
to become the background.
but its details must be executed to perfection
because my consciousness of their execution is a reflection
of my deeper commitment to conscious awareness
in all that I do.

It is not that I lack the ability to conceive what I want
in my moments of clarity.
It is more that I cannot maintain the awareness
of what I want.
I slip back into unconsciousness; physical gratifications,
into my unconscious animal reactions
to each moment’s passing stimuli.
Its not that I should deny my physical nature
but that I should experience it without lapse
of awareness of my deeper want…
to remain conscious.

04-09-80

Portland, Maine

1985-01-01 1985

Dennis — Tue, 01 Jan 1985 08:00:00 +0000

1985
Vow

– No alcohol
– No caffene
– No grass
– No fingerpicking
– No meats other than seafood

until 30 Dec 85

2010-02-16 – Another cut

Dennis — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:22:09 +0000


I wonder if we know what we're losing.
Tonight, in bed, the memories and feelings began to turn and haunt me.
Tomorrow, I will have all of my personal life shipped here to New Zealand.
A sad ending, another tie broken.
And then I realized how few ties there are left and how tenuous they are.
The accounting and the computers are now all that connect us.
The house, no longer my house.
Never to sit in that meditation chair she made for me again.
To pet the cats, walk down to Paradise, admire the pond in the front yard.
All cut off and unreachable.
Never to stand and read again  in the kitchen while she prepares a meal.
To sit in the TV room and enjoy a show together.
To discuss our day.
To sleep in beds just beside each other.

All these things unraveling are tearing my heart out.
All these things that were part of a marriage until death do us part.
The end of shared experience is the hardest.
The real treasure lost.
Where we live, what we have or don't have, is so much less.
One day, the last cut will sever us.
The accounting books will be closed one day and then the ebb and flow
   of all that will be lost to me.
And the computer links that let me see our place
   will be closed as well and I will be blind and lost
      to all that was there, once mine.

These lives, these tragedies, these broken hearts are real.
It doesn't get any more real than this.
As the country and western song says,
   "This ain't no rehearsal."

I feel like I am being punished for having had a dream.
And for trying to carry us into a new life.
For listening to history and the future and heeding its whisperings.
The joy of creating something new with your partner
   was lost somewhere along the way - to this terrible place.
The marriage that was suppose to be forever
   has floundered on insecurities, distrust and anger.
Am I to blame?
Perhaps.
But then so is she; tied to her fears, her need for security,
   and her anger and lack of trust.
What does it matter who is the one?
A dream is ending and every time another part is pulled away
   I feel the greatest sadness of my life gathering.
We began so well, with such intents and promises,
   to end so very poorly.
I wonder if I can survive such heartbreak.

gallagher
17 Feb 2010 - Christchurch