SamadhiMuse

           January … the divorce come final
           but our hearts are no better.
           Confused by love, such easy comfort…
           ten years, friends.
           She genuinely wants to try,
           her feelings have come around again.
           Simple Norwegian…smooth skin…angular,
           Liv Ullman in her cheekbones.
           archetypical of what I’d find again
           or mourn the difference.
           I always think of her as playing games,
           manipulating…willing me.
           But this time I sense some deeper thread;
           childhood falling off …
           the passing away of marriage papers
           and the cultural ritual… only love remains.
           No one could ever touch us, in this lifetime,
           as we touch each other.
           Vital currents weld our loves together
           as our son welds our genes
           and all these lovers and months past
           only steel the mirrors of our feelings
           but cannot erase that clear note we’ve held so long.
           I turn so restless against my thoughts.
           What can I do with her…
           with the love and ease she gives.
           My life’s so confused…
           I can’t seem to pick my ground.
           My lovers…the promises in women’s eyes…
           history talking.
           Those cold mornings, running…
           communion with my peace and anguish.
           The ultimate freedom
           and simple responsibility of being alone.
           What can she offer me… against these?
           I love to love her…
              sleep with her… see her… touch her.
           She doesn’t care for my prowess in anything…
              she just loves me.
           And now her eyes speak to me
           from quite beyond their source
           touch me here…
              its only my life you trace,
                 can it matter more?
                                    gallagher
                                    8 Jan 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

            Many nodes…come pressing me
            each one could chain me or set me free
            I’m born to wonder all my life
            if I’ll live or die by this knife.
            Rose at my aching door whispers sweet to me.
            I feel her love like a warmth deep inside of me
            but then my daily dreams speak to me,
            “You wake up every morning, free!”
            I play my music, love my loves
            and ache inside of me.
                                    gallagher
                                    9 January 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                                                  9 April 1979
         Dear Rose:
              I’m sorry if waiting to read this has caused you
         anxiety.  I suspect it has but I felt it was better to
         deal with this this way.  This letter is not about
         changing or redefining our relationship.  Nor about
         ending it.  Its about the blouse you missed the other
         night and my reaction and your observation that
         something was amiss between us.  You were right… my
         reaction was because I was pissed at myself and the
         situation and how I had come to let it be.
              The blouse was not Kathy’s, it belonged to Sue
         from up front.  Sue and I have become friends similar
         to you and Jim.  I got into omitting mention of this
         relationship because of my concern for your feelings.
         I doubted if you could or would be comfortable at my
         place if you knew Sue and I had slept together.  I
         guess you would say, “Why, why did you begin with her
         if you thought it would result in so many problems.”.
         Why indeed…  I like her, she’s easy to be with
         without anything serious, she was already a good
         friend… but why is hard to explain.  I don’t know
         myself.  I know I had misgivings about it from the
         beginning because of you.
              Once I had slept with her I realized that I really
         didn’t know what to say to you.  I wanted to be honest
         and I didn’t want to mess things up between us with
         respect to your coming over here.  What I did is I put
         it off… hoping a few days of thinking about it would
         help me come to a way to resolve everything without a
         hassle.  It didn’t.  There wasn’t an easy way.
         Obviously, I could go back to being non-physical
         friends with Sue but that wouldn’t deal with my
         feelings of not having been honest.  Nor would it
         necessarily prevent you from boycotting my place.  In
         the end the easiest way was to continue to say nothing.
          (I’m sure you’ll say that the easiest was NOT to have
         begun at all, and I agree, now…but its done and it
         didn’t look so clear cut to me then).  But saying
         nothing isn’t good either.  We’ve done a lot to cross
         the gaps between us and one of the things is to
         practice honesty with each other and I’ve been
         regressing of late.
              Sue sleeps with Frank, downstairs, most of the
         time and sees other people besides.  If it will make
         things easier I will simply go back to being
         non-physical friends with her.  We were friends before
         this began and I’m sure we can be still if I made such
         a decision.  For me its much more important how you
         feel.  If you can be comfortable coming over.  I don’t
         see this as an issue of can I sleep with so and so or
         not.  I know that’s my right.  I see it as its nice but
         nothing I need and your happiness is much more
         important.
              I really like my neighbors, Bob and Frank, Sue and
         Darleen and Tim. I’ve hoped you could get to know all
         of them better and spend more time here.  But I’m
         afraid I’ve messed it up by having slept with Sue. I
         hope not.
              I’d like you to read this and not say anything
         about it until Saturday.  By then, hopefully, feelings
         may have cooled.  I was afraid if I tried to discuss
         this with you verbally that hassles and recriminations
         would have occurred before I’d half finished.  This way
         I can say it all and you can absorb it for a day or two
         and then we can can discuss it calmly ( I hope ).
              If I haven’t made it plain I am sorry about all
         this.  Sorry for my lack of foresight and self-control
         in allowing myself to get into a situation where I felt
         so unable to know how to handle it.  Your love and
         striving to make things work between us these past
         months have been precious to me.  If there is a way to
         rearrange things and allow us to continue as we’ve been
         let’s do it.
                                       Love,
                                       Dennis

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                                               January 13, 1979
           I think of them both tonight — their lives entwined about
      their wives.  I love them both so much it seems I am the only
      one in their dreams.
           Ted says he loves me but you see he goes home to Linda not
      with me.  But, the precious moments spent with me makes my
      spirit so happy and free.  The love we share can’t be denied
      even though my emptiness is so hard to hide.  When we go our
      separate ways, I wish so much, so much to stay.
           Dennis, too, is in my heart but he and Rose are not far
      apart.  He shares his life with others too, and seeing him
      sometimes makes me blue.  I try to hide this love I feel but
      Dennis knows I’m very real.
           Ernie and I are worlds apart — my husband, once lover and
      sweetheart.  Our friendship is but a fading light of what once
      seemed so beautiful and bright.
           I search for someone to be kind, caring, sharing and ALL
      mine!
           I ache inside because my hurt carries me beyond this earth.
           It seems I’m destined to be alone without a man to call my
      own.
           The single life that lays ahead holds nothing for me –
      only dread.
           I need so much to be a part of someone’s life and
      someone’s heart.
           Very soon these lonely days will seem little more than a
      cloud of haze and I’ll soon forget these nights — so lone –
      without someone to cheer me on.
           Yes, that perfect peace will be, coming on to set me free.
       Free from burdens hard to bear.  Free my sorrow, shame,
      despair.
           Someday my body, mind and soul will lead me beyond this
      hollow hole and I will be bound together so tight with that
      special one so right.
                                 Kathleen
                                    A.
                                       Hatley

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

  How quickly it changes; King to criminal, secure to agonized.
  And isn’t it always at the nodes, crosscurrents, upwellings,
  that our choices are given?
  God lovingly laughs at us when we feel secure
  and mocks us gently as he weaves events to take our certainty down.
  The golden ring passes so close, you smile…
  and then, like a advertisement for humility, it changes.
  Stomach gripping sinking feeling - run over again by life.
  Rose calls and says she can go to Houston…
  Why she tells me, what she wants, she can’t explain.
  Maybe she called just to let me know I could be in for a jolt,
  maybe she called to see if I really care….
  Midway to reconciliation… torn by love and freedom,
  I’ve hung poised and optimistic, knowing, this time,
  it could turn out all right.
  Its out of my hands… Houston’s distance will leave us unrepaired.
  Houston’s miles of letters could kill our long affair.
  Waiting is…. painful, powerless … integrity testing …
  a brush with the end of love.
                                    gallagher
                                    19 Jan 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

         Helen wings her way to me.
         Rose and I lay in disrepair.
         Insanity grows, the peaceful feeling goes.
         Today someone asked me why I was always so happy,
         I must be very resilient.
         The ground moves, neon glows, abstractions and anxiety.
         These days spin, I’m split… die or heal, I beg.
         “Come, life.”, I said, “Show me everything.”
         Such blatant mockery… supreme tests for me.
         I rise agonized to each dance, and call them on….
         Houston… does it matter, was I only dreaming?
         I used to know, only months ago…
         that I could, would, survive.
         And now I agonize over love’s loss again.
         A little Vodka… the time goes.
         God knows, I don’t.
                                 gallagher
                                 19 January 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                       The divorce
         So tell me how I’m supposed to feel…
         this paper says ten years of marriage and love
         are void and null.
         Gone from life into history…
         Texas…Mississippi…Washington…
         Douglas…college…drugs…a son…
         growing…tears…holding together late at night
         struggling…pain…anger…needs…love.
         The paper is pink…filed in some huge book
         at the hall of justice
         and we, just citizens again.
         I feel naked and she’s some stranger.
         It was so familiar…’My wife.’…she’s my wife, Rose,
         no more.
         I’m sad, my lady, after all our reasoning and logic
         and all the times I said, ‘…just a paper….’
         I’m still sad…if you had been home just now when I called
         I would’ve told you so
         my love … my … my ….
                                       gallagher
                                       25 January 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                        Willie Dynamite
      My life lies crumbling, just like all the rest
      my vision and my agony, the ever present test.
      My love lies sleeping, my love she gives her best,
      to a man who’s such a wastrel, he thinks that love’s a test.
      I turn and weary at the rest her love gives me
      and I’d rather empty faces and the words that strangers give.
      I must have been born a vagabond, a vagabond and a fool.
      I can’t divide my integrity and her living golden rule.
      I AM Willie Dynamite born again in Irish clothes
      But that self same selfishness lies just here within.
      I love life’s every gesture and I embrace it all to win
      but our love can grow weary and our passion stretched too thin.
      I know the apex of my fortune as my willful test,
      its I, myself, against integrity, against my best,
      but it doesn’t matter who the actor or how I name the plot
      its only I in the endless light who must evermore decide.
                                 gallagher
                                 2 Feb 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                      Lucid Confusion
  I understand myself so little of late
     I twist amid my life’s coils
  bound in the strings of my own ignorance
     the mirror my others provide wells up
        and echos my own; agony given, agony received
  I’ve drifted into Rose’s warmth … craving her love
     and hating the certainty, the end of struggle it brings with it
  I thought I was forming into one mind
     becoming unidirectional after so long
        an ‘open’ relationship and love and security
  She said she’d try it all … see if she could bear it
     but this weekend’s time was a journey back to …
  to somewhere  where we’re both so at ease
     that getting old seems the only thing left to do
  I chafed at that familiarity … fantasized about other faces
     waited for nothing … and was loved and secure
  Not one mind … I hold so much more than I know
     I’ve been optimistic about living with her
  and this one weekend drove the vagabond wild…
     found the spoiled child
        brought me to my knees, to say…
           “I don’t know, I’m confused.”
  I love her, …I’m stifled, …I want her love, …I abuse it
  Tonight she’s gone to Alain to have him fix her car
     it made my stomach so empty … I could hear the mockery
        of my own indecisions … my own need to win, to survive
  Helen K. called… her psychic nature heard me, maybe…
     she shared her love and pain and then held my hand
        and I shared mine … she’s my friend …
  and, somehow, its for free;…
     Rose and I are so much to each other
       but at such a cost.
  I listen… what do I hear… these self mirrors
     ever speak gibberish… we only find ourselves, our lives,
        on the fire edge between our struggles and God’s plan
  Can I be listening to my integrity saying “never compromise”
     or to my pride?
  Can I be feeling the presence of love and friends
     or the passing gestures of momentary attention?
  Is it that the answers lie in the agonizing
     or in the deciding?
  And is it that we are never to know, subject forever
     to the wine presses of evolution and spiritual development
  or can we ‘know’ if we can just have the courage to realize
     some hidden potential in ourselves to make order
        of our ‘human condition’?
  I run in the evenings and mornings…
     I work in the labyrinth of information processing…
       but I can’t escape my fate nor comprehend it.
  Am I faltering before this vision of life I’ve called up?
     Tonight the pen and the wine tell me “no”, that I’m OK
        but tomorrow, and on other tomorrows,
     these razor questions will press me
  just as I’ve been calling them to
     and on the edge of my life and God’s love
        I’ll find my lessons in my folly.
                                gallagher
                                02-06-79

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

         Dear Dennis -
              Ernie locked me out of [my] house tonight.  I took
         refuge here about midnight.  I feel thankful to have
         your place to rest.
              Your friendship grows more precious each day.
                                    I love you!
                                    Kathy
                                    2/10/79
                                    2 a.m.

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

      2-14-79 Happy Valentine’s day, Dennis.
      (started poem 1-31-79)
           Problems there will always be, but someday I will be
      set free.
           Mortgages, bills, repairs once again cause me despair.
           Part of me wants to stay but soon I’ll be far away.
      far from this house my home, and husband too — he’ll
      surely roam.
           Hollywood is not so great, but opportunities I’ll
      take.  People there I hope to meet might help me get upon
      my feet.
           Prudential salesman just dropped by to collect on
      policies gone by.  Ernie wasn’t to be found.  Why isn’t he
      ever around?
           Nature’s game is very cruel.  It makes us out to be
      such fools.  Six years of marriage ending now, but no more
      tears can I allow.
           Ted said Linda wanted a divorce, but she has not yet
      set her course.  Her dependence requires him to be strong
      even while other men string her along.
           Locked out of [my] house last Friday night.  I felt a
      sense of utter fright.  Mostly feeling so alone!  I’d just
      left Ted — He’d went on home.
           Locked in to feelings deep within I called to Dennis
      who was not in but soon I fell towards his warm abode and
      spent the night.  So warm, secure was my refuge, I felt a
      sense of peace ensue.
           Rose does not think much of me but my world she’d
      NEVER see!  Nor could I understand her ways, ever in a
      million days.
           How did things get so all messed up??
           My disattachment to this mold of married life has
      grown so old.  It happened though it wasn’t right when I
      lay with John that night.  Finally, when I let him go
      the void inside began to grow.
           I threw myself to job and school — I’d never again
      be such a fool.
                     .
                      .
                       .
           But his voice on the phone so mellow and low, his
      eyes so green — I feel the glow!  His beard I like, his
      sexy ways.  He makes me forget the lonely days.  He fills
      me up and sets me straight, and I forget all past mistakes.
           Where it’s going I don’t know, but I know I love him
      so –
                                    Love,
                                       Kathleen
                                       2-14-79

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                                      Sat. 12 noon
      Hi D.G.!
           Believe it or not I just woke up!  I was exhausted.  I got
      here about midnight and was so shocked to see Frank and his
      girlfriend.  He was playing with [the] terminal.  I think they
      were just as surprised to see me.
           After having about 7 hours sleep the past two days really
      did me in.  I was supposed to be home this morning to see [the]
      tile man but right now I’m not caring.
           After they left last night I had some of our grass, 2
      glasses of Cribari and felt so very warm and secure.  Your
      place is so quiet too.  The phone rang at 11:30 a.m. - woke me
      up!!
           There is a lot more I want to tell you but it can wait
      until we get together.
           I’ve been thinking about you in mts.  Hope all goes well
      for both of you.
           Really looking forward to lunch on Monday.  My mon knows
      too!  (by the way — since we are both broke — I’ll buy lunch,
      you buy a litre of wine? )
           I’ll call you Mon. about 10 to confirm!
           You are such a super friend.  I’m going to have to tear
      myself away cause I love it here.  By the way, I love you too!
                           Talk to you soon!
                              All my love,
                              Kathleen

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

         But, his voice on the phone so mellow and low,
            his eyes so green —
         I feel the glow
         His beard I like, his sexy ways
         He makes me forget the lonely days
         He fills me up and sets me straight,
            and I forget all past mistakes.
         Where its going — I don’t know,
         but I know I love him so —
                           Kathleen A.
                           14 feb 79

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

            Dennis
                  I was wrong … it’s kind of neat to lay
            around your apartment and pretend that I belong
            here.  Ho called this morning.  You may have
            already talked to him cause he said he may call
            you at work.  Also a girl came knocking on your
            door.  Dark, long hair - cute I didn’t ask her
            name and she didn’t say.  Bedroom phone just
            rang - who ever it was hung up when I answered
            - Oh well!!  I cleaned up the place a bit
            (because I love you!)  Also took a stack of
            Terry’s books.
                                    See you
                                    Rose
            Almost forgot:
            I broke a wine
            glass when I was
            doing the dishes.
                 Sorry

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

              A yearning inside — no one else can fill it.  The
         burning feeling — no one else can heal it.
              Why do I hunger for more of his love?  Why does
         his number not connect — Yes, I wonder.
              The days pass so fast, the months, soon a year!
         Why can’t we just slow it down without fear?
              The peaceful summer moments spent, seem like a
         dream — twas heaven sent!
              He’s opened me up to a world so brand new — the
         books and his music to name but a few.
              All that I hope for is only to stay at least his
         best friend, I hope, yes, I pray.
                                 All my love,
                                   Kathleen
         ( St. Patrick’s day card, 1979 )

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

      By Kathleen A.                  3-11-79
                                                      Sunday
        For Dennis …
           Only moments ago he was here sharing my love, so very
      near.  I still feel his presence though he’s gone away,
      because in my heart forever he’ll stay.
           When I tell him “I love you” every word is true; and
      yes it scares me half to death but I only stop to catch my
      breath.
           Even though my life’s mixed up he shakes me down and
      builds me up.  My ways he seems to understand and truth he
      speaks without demands.  As his words come clearly across,
      suddenly I feel not lost.
           The words to follow are very real to tell him what it
      is I feel:
      By Helen Reddy ( edited by KH for DG )
              “To wake up next to you, to see your smile across
         the pillow as the sun breaks through.  In the early
         hours when the day is new.  To lie by you - that is all
         I’ll ever need.
              To feel you everywhere.  To know and keep the
         silent secrets we as lovers share.
              You fill my world with wonder just by being there.
          To know you care - that’s all I’ll ever need.
              Holding you, the world beyond me seems to fly.
         The love is realized when I look in your eyes.
              To lie down next to you — to know the meaning of
         the ‘little things’ you say and do.
              In the gentle hours when the day is through -
         alone with you.  That is all I’ll ever need.”

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

         Maya … every moment, everywhere
         my love for … my need for … my wish that….
         Rose turns slightly and the axis of my world tilts,
         she gives her love or withholds it
         and I go staggering drunk with pain or ecstasy.
         ‘Loving attitude’, Tim said, ‘Find it inside.’
         Become immune to Maya … accept and cherish everything
         or at least be unflinchingly responsible for it.
         The relativity of what comes from outside yourself
         is a aspect of the dance you must sway perfectly to.
         My physiology, my time, my food, and my attitudes
         are much more mine than my running steps can bear.
         Unbroken chain, this, welling from inside;
         my highest aspirations and my faith.
         Let them build moment by moment …
         listen to them … become one.
                                    gallagher
                                    12 Mar 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

            To D.G.                            3-20-79
                 A hundred reasons not to cry — why
            should I feel like I want to die?  So much
            of me I want to give and so much of life I
            want to live.
                 Number 1 — it’s NOT me.  His ex-wife
            he’d rather see.  Perhaps her hold upon
            him now is stronger than when they took
            vows.
                 So hard I try to not let down, I very
            seldom make a sound.  I do know though the
            hurt is real and jealousy I hate to feel.
            Am I playing just to win?  NO, that would
            be too great a sin.
                 Perhaps I am a risky one to put too
            heavy feelings on.  Another man in my life
            strong and then there’s school that’s
            coming on.
                 Softly, should I fly away even though
            [in] my heart he’s stay?
                 It’s true there are no guarantees but
            of life’s treasures, none come free.
                                    kh

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                       Rose
            She can’t see it my way
            nor can I see it her’s.
            She wants to relate to me in a certain way
            and I to her in another.
            My life is scattered in so many places
            I doubt if I could bring it home.
            Looking for the common we don’t lack strength
            just success.
            She’s pretty, smiling, or walking away.
                                 gallagher
                                 24 Mar 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —