SamadhiMuse » 1979

1979-01-08

Dennis — Mon, 08 Jan 1979 08:00:00 +0000

January … the divorce come final
but our hearts are no better.
Confused by love, such easy comfort…
ten years, friends.
She genuinely wants to try,
her feelings have come around again.
Simple Norwegian…smooth skin…angular,
Liv Ullman in her cheekbones.
archetypical of what I’d find again
or mourn the difference.
I always think of her as playing games,
manipulating…willing me.
But this time I sense some deeper thread;
childhood falling off …
the passing away of marriage papers
and the cultural ritual… only love remains.
No one could ever touch us, in this lifetime,
as we touch each other.
Vital currents weld our loves together
as our son welds our genes
and all these lovers and months past
only steel the mirrors of our feelings
but cannot erase that clear note we’ve held so long.

I turn so restless against my thoughts.
What can I do with her…
with the love and ease she gives.
My life’s so confused…
I can’t seem to pick my ground.
My lovers…the promises in women’s eyes…
history talking.
Those cold mornings, running…
communion with my peace and anguish.
The ultimate freedom
and simple responsibility of being alone.
What can she offer me… against these?

I love to love her…
sleep with her… see her… touch her.
She doesn’t care for my prowess in anything…
she just loves me.
And now her eyes speak to me
from quite beyond their source
touch me here…
its only my life you trace,
can it matter more?

gallagher
8 Jan 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1979-01-09

Dennis — Tue, 09 Jan 1979 08:00:00 +0000

Many nodes…come pressing me
each one could chain me or set me free
I’m born to wonder all my life
if I’ll live or die by this knife.

Rose at my aching door whispers sweet to me.
I feel her love like a warmth deep inside of me
but then my daily dreams speak to me,
“You wake up every morning, free!”

I play my music, love my loves
and ache inside of me.

gallagher
9 January 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1979-01-09 9 April 1979

Dennis — Tue, 09 Jan 1979 08:02:00 +0000

9 April 1979

Dear Rose:

I’m sorry if waiting to read this has caused you
anxiety. I suspect it has but I felt it was better to
deal with this this way. This letter is not about
changing or redefining our relationship. Nor about
ending it. Its about the blouse you missed the other
night and my reaction and your observation that
something was amiss between us. You were right… my
reaction was because I was pissed at myself and the
situation and how I had come to let it be.

The blouse was not Kathy’s, it belonged to Sue
from up front. Sue and I have become friends similar
to you and Jim. I got into omitting mention of this
relationship because of my concern for your feelings.
I doubted if you could or would be comfortable at my
place if you knew Sue and I had slept together. I
guess you would say, “Why, why did you begin with her
if you thought it would result in so many problems.”.
Why indeed… I like her, she’s easy to be with
without anything serious, she was already a good
friend… but why is hard to explain. I don’t know
myself. I know I had misgivings about it from the
beginning because of you.

Once I had slept with her I realized that I really
didn’t know what to say to you. I wanted to be honest
and I didn’t want to mess things up between us with
respect to your coming over here. What I did is I put
it off… hoping a few days of thinking about it would
help me come to a way to resolve everything without a
hassle. It didn’t. There wasn’t an easy way.
Obviously, I could go back to being non-physical
friends with Sue but that wouldn’t deal with my
feelings of not having been honest. Nor would it
necessarily prevent you from boycotting my place. In
the end the easiest way was to continue to say nothing.
(I’m sure you’ll say that the easiest was NOT to have
begun at all, and I agree, now…but its done and it
didn’t look so clear cut to me then). But saying
nothing isn’t good either. We’ve done a lot to cross
the gaps between us and one of the things is to
practice honesty with each other and I’ve been
regressing of late.

Sue sleeps with Frank, downstairs, most of the
time and sees other people besides. If it will make
things easier I will simply go back to being
non-physical friends with her. We were friends before
this began and I’m sure we can be still if I made such
a decision. For me its much more important how you
feel. If you can be comfortable coming over. I don’t
see this as an issue of can I sleep with so and so or
not. I know that’s my right. I see it as its nice but
nothing I need and your happiness is much more
important.

I really like my neighbors, Bob and Frank, Sue and
Darleen and Tim. I’ve hoped you could get to know all
of them better and spend more time here. But I’m
afraid I’ve messed it up by having slept with Sue. I
hope not.

I’d like you to read this and not say anything
about it until Saturday. By then, hopefully, feelings
may have cooled. I was afraid if I tried to discuss
this with you verbally that hassles and recriminations
would have occurred before I’d half finished. This way
I can say it all and you can absorb it for a day or two
and then we can can discuss it calmly ( I hope ).

If I haven’t made it plain I am sorry about all
this. Sorry for my lack of foresight and self-control
in allowing myself to get into a situation where I felt
so unable to know how to handle it. Your love and
striving to make things work between us these past
months have been precious to me. If there is a way to
rearrange things and allow us to continue as we’ve been
let’s do it.

Love,

Dennis

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1979-01-13 January 13, 1979

Dennis — Sat, 13 Jan 1979 08:00:00 +0000

                                               January 13, 1979
           I think of them both tonight -- their lives entwined about
      their wives.  I love them both so much it seems I am the only
      one in their dreams.
           Ted says he loves me but you see he goes home to Linda not
      with me.  But, the precious moments spent with me makes my
      spirit so happy and free.  The love we share can't be denied
      even though my emptiness is so hard to hide.  When we go our
      separate ways, I wish so much, so much to stay.
           Dennis, too, is in my heart but he and Rose are not far
      apart.  He shares his life with others too, and seeing him
      sometimes makes me blue.  I try to hide this love I feel but
      Dennis knows I'm very real.
           Ernie and I are worlds apart -- my husband, once lover and
      sweetheart.  Our friendship is but a fading light of what once
      seemed so beautiful and bright.
           I search for someone to be kind, caring, sharing and ALL
      mine!
           I ache inside because my hurt carries me beyond this earth.
           It seems I'm destined to be alone without a man to call my
      own.
           The single life that lays ahead holds nothing for me --
      only dread.
           I need so much to be a part of someone's life and
      someone's heart.
           Very soon these lonely days will seem little more than a
      cloud of haze and I'll soon forget these nights -- so lone --
      without someone to cheer me on.
           Yes, that perfect peace will be, coming on to set me free.
       Free from burdens hard to bear.  Free my sorrow, shame,
      despair.
           Someday my body, mind and soul will lead me beyond this
      hollow hole and I will be bound together so tight with that
      special one so right.
                                 Kathleen
                                    A.
                                       Hatley

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1979-01-19

Dennis — Fri, 19 Jan 1979 08:00:00 +0000

How quickly it changes; King to criminal, secure to agonized.
And isn’t it always at the nodes, crosscurrents, upwellings,
that our choices are given?

God lovingly laughs at us when we feel secure
and mocks us gently as he weaves events to take our certainty down.
The golden ring passes so close, you smile…
and then, like a advertisement for humility, it changes.
Stomach gripping sinking feeling – run over again by life.

Rose calls and says she can go to Houston…
Why she tells me, what she wants, she can’t explain.
Maybe she called just to let me know I could be in for a jolt,
maybe she called to see if I really care….

Midway to reconciliation… torn by love and freedom,
I’ve hung poised and optimistic, knowing, this time,
it could turn out all right.
Its out of my hands… Houston’s distance will leave us unrepaired.
Houston’s miles of letters could kill our long affair.

Waiting is…. painful, powerless … integrity testing …
a brush with the end of love.

gallagher
19 Jan 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1979-01-19

Dennis — Fri, 19 Jan 1979 08:02:00 +0000

Helen wings her way to me.
Rose and I lay in disrepair.
Insanity grows, the peaceful feeling goes.

Today someone asked me why I was always so happy,
I must be very resilient.

The ground moves, neon glows, abstractions and anxiety.
These days spin, I’m split… die or heal, I beg.

“Come, life.”, I said, “Show me everything.”
Such blatant mockery… supreme tests for me.
I rise agonized to each dance, and call them on….

Houston… does it matter, was I only dreaming?
I used to know, only months ago…
that I could, would, survive.
And now I agonize over love’s loss again.
A little Vodka… the time goes.
God knows, I don’t.

gallagher
19 January 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1979-01-25 The divorce

Dennis — Thu, 25 Jan 1979 08:00:00 +0000

The divorce

So tell me how I’m supposed to feel…
this paper says ten years of marriage and love
are void and null.

Gone from life into history…

Texas…Mississippi…Washington…
Douglas…college…drugs…a son…
growing…tears…holding together late at night
struggling…pain…anger…needs…love.

The paper is pink…filed in some huge book
at the hall of justice
and we, just citizens again.

I feel naked and she’s some stranger.
It was so familiar…’My wife.’…she’s my wife, Rose,
no more.

I’m sad, my lady, after all our reasoning and logic
and all the times I said, ‘…just a paper….’
I’m still sad…if you had been home just now when I called
I would’ve told you so
my love … my … my ….

gallagher
25 January 1979

1979-02-02 Willie Dynamite

Dennis — Fri, 02 Feb 1979 08:00:00 +0000

Willie Dynamite

My life lies crumbling, just like all the rest
my vision and my agony, the ever present test.
My love lies sleeping, my love she gives her best,
to a man who’s such a wastrel, he thinks that love’s a test.

I turn and weary at the rest her love gives me
and I’d rather empty faces and the words that strangers give.
I must have been born a vagabond, a vagabond and a fool.
I can’t divide my integrity and her living golden rule.

I AM Willie Dynamite born again in Irish clothes
But that self same selfishness lies just here within.
I love life’s every gesture and I embrace it all to win
but our love can grow weary and our passion stretched too thin.

I know the apex of my fortune as my willful test,
its I, myself, against integrity, against my best,
but it doesn’t matter who the actor or how I name the plot
its only I in the endless light who must evermore decide.

gallagher
2 Feb 1979

1979-02-06 Lucid Confusion

Dennis — Tue, 06 Feb 1979 08:00:00 +0000

Lucid Confusion

I understand myself so little of late
I twist amid my life’s coils
bound in the strings of my own ignorance
the mirror my others provide wells up
and echos my own; agony given, agony received
I’ve drifted into Rose’s warmth … craving her love
and hating the certainty, the end of struggle it brings with it
I thought I was forming into one mind
becoming unidirectional after so long
an ‘open’ relationship and love and security
She said she’d try it all … see if she could bear it
but this weekend’s time was a journey back to …
to somewhere where we’re both so at ease
that getting old seems the only thing left to do
I chafed at that familiarity … fantasized about other faces
waited for nothing … and was loved and secure
Not one mind … I hold so much more than I know
I’ve been optimistic about living with her
and this one weekend drove the vagabond wild…
found the spoiled child
brought me to my knees, to say…
“I don’t know, I’m confused.”
I love her, …I’m stifled, …I want her love, …I abuse it
Tonight she’s gone to Alain to have him fix her car
it made my stomach so empty … I could hear the mockery
of my own indecisions … my own need to win, to survive
Helen K. called… her psychic nature heard me, maybe…
she shared her love and pain and then held my hand
and I shared mine … she’s my friend …
and, somehow, its for free;…
Rose and I are so much to each other
but at such a cost.
I listen… what do I hear… these self mirrors
ever speak gibberish… we only find ourselves, our lives,
on the fire edge between our struggles and God’s plan
Can I be listening to my integrity saying “never compromise”
or to my pride?
Can I be feeling the presence of love and friends
or the passing gestures of momentary attention?
Is it that the answers lie in the agonizing
or in the deciding?
And is it that we are never to know, subject forever
to the wine presses of evolution and spiritual development
or can we ‘know’ if we can just have the courage to realize
some hidden potential in ourselves to make order
of our ‘human condition’?
I run in the evenings and mornings…
I work in the labyrinth of information processing…
but I can’t escape my fate nor comprehend it.
Am I faltering before this vision of life I’ve called up?
Tonight the pen and the wine tell me “no”, that I’m OK
but tomorrow, and on other tomorrows,
these razor questions will press me
just as I’ve been calling them to
and on the edge of my life and God’s love
I’ll find my lessons in my folly.

gallagher
02-06-79

1979-02-10

Dennis — Sat, 10 Feb 1979 08:00:00 +0000

         Dear Dennis -
              Ernie locked me out of [my] house tonight.  I took
         refuge here about midnight.  I feel thankful to have
         your place to rest.
              Your friendship grows more precious each day.
                                    I love you!
                                    Kathy
                                    2/10/79
                                    2 a.m.