1985-01-01 1985
Tuesday, January 1st, 19851985— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Vow
- No alcohol
- No caffene
- No grass
- No fingerpicking
- No meats other than seafood
until 30 Dec 85
Archive for the ‘1985’ Category
1985-01-27
Sunday, January 27th, 1985Every story or fable about the Masters— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
misleads us, subtly.
We see how they are
and translate to see ourselves, there.
And, thus, when we imagine ourselves there,
we always see ourselves
through the eyes of others.
It’s again the difference between
being and trying to be.
We must find the secret, within.
Utterly disconnected and free
of all imaginings, posings and motives.
We must become the light of unity
unto ourselves,
born of ourselves.
gallagher
27 Jan 1985
1985-02-12
Tuesday, February 12th, 1985Time moving quicker each day— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
memories so fresh they make me ache
as they recede … two years, three?
When does the ‘recent’ (past tense)
give way to a fixed and remote history?
“Ah, this!”, Bhagwan says.
This moment, as those, to cup to our lips
to cherish it all;
the receding past,
the current moment,
and the promised future.
Here, on the razor’s edge,
here I must love it all.
And,
if I ache for the past,
I will love the ache
and feel, with passion,
that this is perfect too.
gallagher
12 Feb 1985
1985-02-12
Tuesday, February 12th, 1985Letters wing their way to me,— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
caresses on paper, friends in words.
The warmth is there
even as the weeks and months roll by.
My mother, friend, lover,
is imperishably and gently expressed.
Like a hand that caresses
or a look that tells.
How good it is we remember…
and how good it is
that ‘we’ survive.
gallagher
12 feb 85
- upon receipt of Janice’s letter.
1985-02-13
Wednesday, February 13th, 1985She works hard here in America— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
raising her boy between shifts.
The French songs take her back;
she lies on the floor and goes 15 years…
Paris in the summer of her 17th year.
Songs and music and magic,
passion in the air
as rich as the voices in this music.
A woman of 35 now with that same passion
lies transported with memories
and me, I can see that girl in this woman;
I feel her there and here.
She’s across those years now, away from me
but I’m glad to catch her anywhere.
gallagher
13 Feb 1985
- at Lise’s
1985-02-13
Wednesday, February 13th, 1985Lise…— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
The thought of her
is becoming magic.
Her eyes and skin
and spirit begin to pull at me
with an anticipation
born of love.
Smiles now burn at the thought of her
and the feeling inside
when she looks at me
is such a deep echo.
gallagher
13 Feb 1985
1985-02-13
Wednesday, February 13th, 1985Dreams Log— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
13 Feb 85
- sound:
“Down beneath the fungus wars the world
will be a better place someday.”
- visual:
Guinea pig with a fake rabbit’s tail attached to its
nose. It thinks its God.
- What I was doing:
Watching the guinea pig, like a child, over a barrier
in the garage.
- Emotional content:
Happy and watchful.
- Feeling upon awaking:
Silly … then connections occur to me re: Walford’s
maximum lifespan theory.
gallagher
13 Feb 85
- recollections of a dream.
1985-03-07
Thursday, March 7th, 1985The candles burn— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
on a weekeday afternoon.
Two years since I’ve seen this girl
and still the same magic with her.
We talk about being lifetime friends
and that slow smile burns inside me
a smile of confirmation, love and joy.
My sister, my friend.
The years pass and it doesn’t matter
if they go forwards or back.
These friendships we have
are the only enduring touchstones
as our lives sweep us all
to our demise.
The candles burn …
a day castoff from the everyday
a lifeboat on a sea
of nonsense.
gallagher
8 mar 85
1985-03-08 3/8/85
Friday, March 8th, 1985 3/8/85
1:25 p.m.
fri
Dear Dennis:
I’m enjoying the quiet solitude of your place, filled with
nostalgia. Quiet, peaceful reflections — yesterday & today –
of our continued friendship, respect and love, as loaded a word
as it is.
( Earl just called. I hesitated picking up the phone but
thought it might be my sister. I told him you’d be to work
shortly. Hope you weren’t too rushed this morning. I enjoyed
the extra time together )
Its funny, I got out of writing some time ago when I
destroyed ( or tried to ) my past. ( your poems keep my past,
memories, photos … I love them all ) It wasn’t all Tim’s
fault. I wasn’t too proud of the way I lived my life “then”.
“Total” sacrifice to others isn’t working either. So, I’ll
keep plugging along striving for self-improvement, like
yourself. You’re lucky to have a family that loves you so much
and permits you to be “yourself”. My family loves me but, if my
growth continues to go “stunted”, I’d rather be alone. Never
did I realize my strength until last year.
Our brief time together was truly precious. I’ve never
experienced the same kind of chemistry with anybody else. I
think it’s because we are a lot alike. You were my first MAN
FRIEND.
I hope our paths cross again one day but always we’ll stay
in touch.
Thank you for the wonderful dinner, our fun and
everything. I feel rested and ready to tackle my problems.
Face on, with a clear head is the best way! ( 1 week now, no
cigarettes — no more! )!!
Good luck with your life — career, lovers — everything
you do. You’re one of the most talented people I know, so
reach for the stars. My star will be centered and right with
myself. That’s what you said about me in so many words.
Love always,
Kathy
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
1985-03-11
Monday, March 11th, 1985She’s come thru like an earthquake;— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
here and gone.
The furniture and I slightly stunned
at the emptiness she could leave
in so brief a time.
A note … some pictures, punctuate
the two years since I saw her last.
… and now, we may never meet again.
A day of reacquaintance, passion
and parting … it was unique.
She does something to me;
I ache inside when I think of her
and I remember
I’ve known the ache before,
watching her pass in and out
of my life.
She could have been the one…
my heart whispers.
gallagher
11 mar 85
1985-03-11 11 p.m.
Monday, March 11th, 198511 p.m.— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
11 Mar 85
Monday
Dear Kathy,
I’m back at my place after the weekend down south.
Walking into these rooms tonight gave me such an ache. I wrote
a poem (enclosed) to deal with the feelings. I’m listening to
George Winston and thinking about you.
When I saw you for those brief months after I came back
from Canada I was impressed (and worried) at the changes in
you. Now, after two more years, I’m just impressed, not
worried. But, you know, even back seven years ago, in 78/79,
you used to give me this same ache inside. I’ve seen so much
and done so much since then that I should have long since
outgrown the days when you could get to my emotions. But I
haven’t. As I grow, you grow.
I don’t know quite what it is you do to me or why.
Sometimes I think you were intended to be my mate in this life
and, if I’d have stayed in Long Beach instead of joining the
service, we’d have connected. Other times I think it must be
something binding us together from past lives. Both of us
Irish. Perhaps we’ve lived together before and loved each
other deeply.
I look at you and I see so much I like. And I wonder how
it is that you are so inaccessible to me. …and my fantasies
run away with me. I thought a lot about you this weekend.
This life is so beautiful. I would rather have these
aches and bursts of sunlite love and parting than not to feel.
I want to kneel before the experiences of my life and cup them
to my lips and drink them, with passion.
And you, dear sister, lover of mine. I would drink much
of you. If…. And what this IF is, I don’t know. But it
keeps me on the edges of your life. Tasting an ache I cannot
name.
It’s not ‘love’. Or, rather, it’s not ‘just’ love. I’ve
loved before and I will again. It’s more a deep sense of both
recognition and loss at the same time.
I wish you were here, now, and could tell me what you
think of these things.
But, I should be considerate of you. By the time this
reaches you, you will be deep into the process of sorting out
what you’re going to do with your marriage and Tim. I doubt an
impassioned note from me will be of much aid. But, dear lady,
I’m not writing this to give you a burden…nor to provoke a
reply. I’m writing to unburden myself of some of these
feelings … to you, for you … a gift. A sharing. You’re
the only one I would care to have understand my feelings. And
I want to share them with you but I don’t want to burden you.
What do I want? I want to have you in my life. I had
almost forgotten your magic … and now I remember so clear.
And, of you, what do I want? I have no right to say, nor have
I been asked but….
I want you to press on without cigarettes. Find a very
deep self-love and respect for your divinity (for Christ
potentially lives in each of us) and realize your body is the
temple within which you worship him.
I want you to continue to grow. Grow outside of society’s
structures (marriage). Grow outside of other people’s
structures and insecurities (Tim’s confining your freedom to
express love). Continue to go where the going gets hard. It’s
there that the knife edges of your life and growth get
sharpened.
Allow yourself to know God is there and cares for you
through everything. He shares every ache, regret, passion and
charity that passes through your heart and he loves you,
absolutely, through it all. If you could learn to do the same
you would be so much closer to God.
Know, too, that there are others in this life scattered
through the years of your life. People, like me, who will love
you and applaud you and your efforts to grow and free
yourself. That will lend love and compassion freely to another
soul who dares to try to find more in this life than marriage,
television and possessions.
But, most of all I want you to know that you have the
ability to find the secret of inner joy that freedom brings in
this life. All of what I’ve said, above, about God and love
and courage and friends is part of it.
Do NOT settle for less.
I will get the poems and pictures together soon. I will
also probably wait a week or so and then call you.
Enclosed, you will find the patio shot we talked about and
a picture of Chris. Look at him a moment and you will see how
much I love him.
Love,
1985-03-17
Sunday, March 17th, 1985 Just received your beautiful poems and letter. I do see
why you love Chris so much. He is “you” written all over him.
I’d love him too.
My emotions are running “too high” to write more now, but
I will soon.
There is so much ache in me too. Spending that time with
you, sharing your space, place, memories, etc. I’ll never
forget it. I dare to want more of you because EVERYTHING feels
so “very right” with you and always has. Time and
circumstances have never been on our side. Loves of our life
pass in and out yet your (our) friendship, love and caring
remains so steadfast and as you say “unique”.
Hope you like my Pics. The other ones of you weren’t up to
my usual standard of excellence. Believe me, it wasn’t my
subject; THAT was very fine! The B&W of me is ‘ok’ but I have
an outstanding color shot I’ll send you soon.
talk with you soon
Love, always
Kathy
( a St. Patrick’s day card, 1985. )
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
1985-03-19
Tuesday, March 19th, 1985Copying the poems and letters— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Kathy wrote me in 1979 and 1980,
I realized just how strongly
she loved me.
We were both blind with lovers
and goals and passion, then.
She was so much like me
in female form
that I could never
trust her completely.
Now the years have passed
and our paths have crossed again
and, reading these things here,
I see what kin and love were there.
My fantasies run now; her and Rose,
how…how can they both be in my life?
I want to say,
‘Kathy, come, I see now what you were,
I should not have let you go…’
But my family comes before my eyes.
Love is joy and agony, both.
If I could have it as I wish
I’d have them both…in two houses or one.
I can love two, it’s never been at doubt
but…could such a thing work….
gallagher
19 mar 85
1985-03-26
Tuesday, March 26th, 1985Got lines crossing— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
got faces and places walking
through my future
Got fate about to give birth
in a node point closure
And I … I raise my hands
and feel the tension
as potentials and my futures
rearrange
here, midway.
gallagher
26 mar 85
1985-03-28
Thursday, March 28th, 1985Rich beyond all measure— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
we stand blind in the midst.
The light of God shines through us
and around us in every form
and we go aching
from mood to mood
and place to place
in search of His peace and joy.
He must smile with compassion
at children such as we
who, in the wheatfields of His love,
cannot find the harvest
nor simply love the sun.
gallagher
28 March 1985
after yet another listening of Gibran’s, The Prophet.
1985-04-09
Tuesday, April 9th, 19850:38 - I want to enfold my choices and potentials today.— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
- See God breathing as matter. See fate and destiny
twisted as the invisible lace through which we move.
0:48 - The enfolding bliss of being …
1:04 - A state of ecstatic bliss.
1:26 - Wordless
2:31 - All the beauty I own is wasted unless I’m looking at it.
3:02 - The sprinklers came on !
3:12 - Instead of letting the blossoms batter them, they batter the
blossoms.
3:23 - A little lucidity returning now; like glass thru everything.
3:32 - Lise is wood
Lise is like oak
You can touch the earth
in this woman.
3:45 - The stage of redundancies, of making too much out of
everything. You’re everybody’s assailant at once!
I like looking at Lise; she’s looking back.
‘Tell yourself any stories you want
be the kind of man I want!’
Lise
4:03 - Telling myself I’m lucid enough to go out. Racquetball sounds
good.
4:30 - If you’ve never opened an orange on acid, its worth the
admission.
4:33 - Reconnected the phone.
4:42 - We wrote some silly poetry together
and now we are friends.
There is no peace but the backside of acid.
4:55 - Coming inside. (real time 3 p.m.)
5:55 - Through proofing KH papers.
So what have I figured out
with all this today?
That I love, that I feel
that I care.
What is there to weigh or debate
my poetry is written
like the muscles of my forearm;
it tells the story
of what it has done.
That love should have left
a few scars across these page
I praise God.
Today I called to him
and me … and her
and we laughed at the fountains
of the winds … brimming
Love.
I praise God for Love.
6:00 - Hours in.
6:15 - Resuming real time = 4:20 p.m.
gallagher
4 april 1985
- an acid trip of three tabs
1985-04-10
Wednesday, April 10th, 1985Lise …— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
What can I capture of you?
The visions I call here before me
defy words to capture them whole.
Brown eyes and a strength like Gibralter,
a heart of compassion, thru and thru.
I want to say something of loving you
but my feelings are all that come through.
These dark eyes and the flickering candles
and the warmth of your skin melting on mine.
The frost of your Gallic composure
and the ache of your mother’s heart showing through.
But I cannot capture you here clearly;
that your strength and compassion are one,
and that the woman who now bends to caress me
is also my friend with a will of iron.
gallagher
10 April 1985
- at Lise’s
1985-04-21
Sunday, April 21st, 1985I’ve seen this sincerity before.— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
In Rajneeshism, in EST,
in anyplace where people are seeking
as if faith and sincerity
were the only key.
There’s beauty there, honesty and compassion
and in their hearts there’s the warmth
of being sure and right.
Asian faces, Hindus, Christians, Moslems,
Allah, Jesus, Krishna,
temples, mosques, cathedrals,
songs, tithes, offerings, … and feelings.
But, can it be so easy?
Can one be right and another wrong?
Can one feel their sincerity is genuine
and, at the same moment, disbelieve another’s?
We are all children in this world
so full of half truths and glimpses of God’s patterns
and ready to believe we have the whole truth
the moment we find those who will agree.
Ready to reject the others
and feel that God has given US alone the truth
when, if fact, we have stopped far short of the truth
which must embrace us all
as the children of God.
gallagher
21 april 85
1985-05-05
Sunday, May 5th, 1985Sometimes like a vessel that just gets filled— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
I have to stay up late and pay my bills.
Open my heart all across the page
and let the pains and fears and love come rage.
Here where the evening waits with me
my family’s breathing is love indeed
and I’m here in a poet’s home
of dusty memories…and my heart alone.
Oh, God, why did you give me these feelings here
so I ache from love and the passage of years.
You gave me this vision and a hungry heart,
so I’m a mystic, a lover, and a father; part.
And here am I astride the years
stumbling from blindness and my gaping fears.
So I bow my head, let the wind take all…
we’re the leaves of your being
who hear the sweet ground call.
gallagher
5 May 85
1985-05-05 Canada immanent
Sunday, May 5th, 1985Canada immanent— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Sometimes I cannot sleep at night
got thoughts in my head in a cold arc light
… running around.
Visions of potentials; people and time
like and endless nightmare running in my mind
… a moving light
Canada, like a lover that calls
the faces of my children; how I love them all
… Lord, I’m trying
In my mind I’m crossing over some line
time lines running … families unwind
… a sharper time
Lives and lovers are won and lost
by decisions made in times so crossed
… I won’t do wrong
And I bow, on my knees, to a God who cares
to lead my hands in these affairs
amen …
gallagher
5 may 85