Hours of laying on the couch
with my thoughts turning like snakes.
Empty and aching - going over things
again and again.
All of the ways of appealing to her again
parading before me one by one.
And all of them now remembered to be failures -
none of them effective before
though each cut me to the quick with memories.
And the final words. I walk up to them again
and again - and I turn away.
Every time, my heart says, "There must be something
still to be said - before this."
She told me once that I had no idea how loyal she was
and I built my life upon it, never doubting then.
But somewhere,
something fatal was lost.
I think it was when she decided
that I was wrong and she was right.
Instead of seeing that we had a difference of opinion
and that no one was right or wrong.
Loyalty was lost there.
And I've come to see
that her loyalty only meant,
"Until we disagree and I decide you are wrong."
I think we could have worked through
almost anything
if we both could have seen and accepted
the others POV as genuine.
But, so many ugly things have been said.
"I don't want your shit here - ship it."
"I don't want you to come home every six months."
"I don't trust you."
"I am so angry with you, I don't know what to do."
"I couldn't stand for you to come back this summer."
I don't know, when I read these things,
Why I would want to be with this woman.
But when I think about saying those final words,
I turn away again and again
in pain and confusion.
Where is that loyalty now?
Am I the only one who feels
what the end of forever means?
"If, my mind says, "If".
"It's the end", my reason replies.
"If I tried one more time", my heart says....
"You have no idea how loyal I am."
gallagher
22 Feb 2010
christchurch
— Copyright 1965-2010 by Dennis Gallagher —