july 1st 85
My love,
I'm suffering from growing pains again. I
think I have sprouted up these past couple of
years more than I have in the past ten years. And
it makes me feel like an adolescent, awkward and
uncomfortable. Self conscious and insecure at
times. When my life started unrolling I used to
say I felt like a 15 year old. I did not know
then, how right I was.
I am so very alone. I have been tested to
the limit all at once; and I am happy because I
survive well, and I make it no matter what.
Its like, 'Let's see how many things I can
screw up, how many time before I learn my lessons.
And I do learn, painfully. And I like it.
But the bottom line is that while its so easy
to love the strong beautiful person inside of me;
it takes real love and guts to accept the other
me. I can do it where other people are concerned,
I love you; all of you, totally; I love Aaron in a
similar manner.
But me; I want me perfect! Well! Think
girl, grow up! Love makes me vulnerable and open
to the core, and I just didn't want it to be this
way with you and I'm mad at myself for having let
all that insecurity surface, and worst of all to
have let you in on it. The hardest thing for me
to do tomorrow will be to face you again knowing
that you will not look at me in the same way; that
now you are going to be careful of what you say; I
don't want that to happen. What a fool I am. Let
me write it again so it sinks in. I AM A FOOL.
And its OK, once in a while, isn't it? I always
say you need to be humbled; I think I need it much
more than you do.
I hope you still have respect for me, I
couldn't, wouldn't want to see you if you didn't.
I want you very much.
I love you very much.
Lise
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —