Archive for January, 1979

1979-01-08

Monday, January 8th, 1979

January … the divorce come final
but our hearts are no better.
Confused by love, such easy comfort…
ten years, friends.
She genuinely wants to try,
her feelings have come around again.
Simple Norwegian…smooth skin…angular,
Liv Ullman in her cheekbones.
archetypical of what I’d find again
or mourn the difference.
I always think of her as playing games,
manipulating…willing me.
But this time I sense some deeper thread;
childhood falling off …
the passing away of marriage papers
and the cultural ritual… only love remains.
No one could ever touch us, in this lifetime,
as we touch each other.
Vital currents weld our loves together
as our son welds our genes
and all these lovers and months past
only steel the mirrors of our feelings
but cannot erase that clear note we’ve held so long.

I turn so restless against my thoughts.
What can I do with her…
with the love and ease she gives.
My life’s so confused…
I can’t seem to pick my ground.
My lovers…the promises in women’s eyes…
history talking.
Those cold mornings, running…
communion with my peace and anguish.
The ultimate freedom
and simple responsibility of being alone.
What can she offer me… against these?

I love to love her…
sleep with her… see her… touch her.
She doesn’t care for my prowess in anything…
she just loves me.
And now her eyes speak to me
from quite beyond their source
touch me here…
its only my life you trace,
can it matter more?

gallagher
8 Jan 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1979-01-09

Tuesday, January 9th, 1979

Many nodes…come pressing me
each one could chain me or set me free
I’m born to wonder all my life
if I’ll live or die by this knife.

Rose at my aching door whispers sweet to me.
I feel her love like a warmth deep inside of me
but then my daily dreams speak to me,
“You wake up every morning, free!”

I play my music, love my loves
and ache inside of me.

gallagher
9 January 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

1979-01-09 9 April 1979

Tuesday, January 9th, 1979

9 April 1979

Dear Rose:

I’m sorry if waiting to read this has caused you
anxiety. I suspect it has but I felt it was better to
deal with this this way. This letter is not about
changing or redefining our relationship. Nor about
ending it. Its about the blouse you missed the other
night and my reaction and your observation that
something was amiss between us. You were right… my
reaction was because I was pissed at myself and the
situation and how I had come to let it be.

The blouse was not Kathy’s, it belonged to Sue
from up front. Sue and I have become friends similar
to you and Jim. I got into omitting mention of this
relationship because of my concern for your feelings.
I doubted if you could or would be comfortable at my
place if you knew Sue and I had slept together. I
guess you would say, “Why, why did you begin with her
if you thought it would result in so many problems.”.
Why indeed… I like her, she’s easy to be with
without anything serious, she was already a good
friend… but why is hard to explain. I don’t know
myself. I know I had misgivings about it from the
beginning because of you.

Once I had slept with her I realized that I really
didn’t know what to say to you. I wanted to be honest
and I didn’t want to mess things up between us with
respect to your coming over here. What I did is I put
it off… hoping a few days of thinking about it would
help me come to a way to resolve everything without a
hassle. It didn’t. There wasn’t an easy way.
Obviously, I could go back to being non-physical
friends with Sue but that wouldn’t deal with my
feelings of not having been honest. Nor would it
necessarily prevent you from boycotting my place. In
the end the easiest way was to continue to say nothing.
(I’m sure you’ll say that the easiest was NOT to have
begun at all, and I agree, now…but its done and it
didn’t look so clear cut to me then). But saying
nothing isn’t good either. We’ve done a lot to cross
the gaps between us and one of the things is to
practice honesty with each other and I’ve been
regressing of late.

Sue sleeps with Frank, downstairs, most of the
time and sees other people besides. If it will make
things easier I will simply go back to being
non-physical friends with her. We were friends before
this began and I’m sure we can be still if I made such
a decision. For me its much more important how you
feel. If you can be comfortable coming over. I don’t
see this as an issue of can I sleep with so and so or
not. I know that’s my right. I see it as its nice but
nothing I need and your happiness is much more
important.

I really like my neighbors, Bob and Frank, Sue and
Darleen and Tim. I’ve hoped you could get to know all
of them better and spend more time here. But I’m
afraid I’ve messed it up by having slept with Sue. I
hope not.

I’d like you to read this and not say anything
about it until Saturday. By then, hopefully, feelings
may have cooled. I was afraid if I tried to discuss
this with you verbally that hassles and recriminations
would have occurred before I’d half finished. This way
I can say it all and you can absorb it for a day or two
and then we can can discuss it calmly ( I hope ).

If I haven’t made it plain I am sorry about all
this. Sorry for my lack of foresight and self-control
in allowing myself to get into a situation where I felt
so unable to know how to handle it. Your love and
striving to make things work between us these past
months have been precious to me. If there is a way to
rearrange things and allow us to continue as we’ve been
let’s do it.

Love,

Dennis

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —