1982-05-25
Tuesday, May 25th, 1982Bhagwan says … feeling and longing— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
are more than reason and reasons.
And I begin to remember something
like a man on the edge of sleep.
gallagher
25 may 82
vancouver
Archive for the ‘Rajneesh (Osho)’ Category
1982-07-03
Saturday, July 3rd, 1982———–— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
3 July 82 a Rajneeshpuram diary - 1st festival
———–
The first day here draws to a close and I want to capture some
of it. But the images and feelings parade by until my mind
numbs. The bus ride from Portland 3 hrs down the Columbia
River and then south into the body of Oregon.
The ride was mostly Silvia the Chilean girl (woman … older
than I) I sat next to. I got the 2nd seat back on the driver
side which is about the best place. A German Jew translated
into Santiago and raised with South American morals … then
Rajneesh.
———-
I tried to come so as to open myself to this to the maximum.
Not to force anything but to always be aware of my current, my
best and my goal with the patience and intent to improve and
the forgivness to fail. I’m not as good with prose as I’d like
to be. Perhaps I’m no better at poetry but I’ve just been
writing it so long I’m blind to that. I digress.
———-
Because I followed Silvia into the European registration area I
got a tent close to her and occuppied by German girls. The
local area, Buddhafield 2, seems to be Germans and Chileans.
———-
I arrived at 1 a.m. after a crazy ride with Silvia and a German
girl and a ranch resident from Chile in a pickup truck. My
tent mates were asleep so I met them in the morning.
———-
The Buddha hall covers 2 acres. Probably better than 8,000 of
us gathered there this morning to see Bhagwan. We had a
vegetarian breaskfast of granola, apples, bannanas, unimproved
yogurt and orange juice. I wonder how I will survive 5 days
vegetarian. The meals are serve yourself affairs but the
quality of everything seems excellent.
———-
Perhaps my perceptual entrapment with the maya of women is
loosening a bit. I seem to have a fundamental intention for
coming here which is clear of feminine fantasies. In fact as
thoughts pass thru my mind I WANT to not play that game. No
double entendre, no motive within motive, no watching for signs
of invitation.
———–
When Bhagwan was coming in today my eyes watered. tears were
not far away. I cherish some hope that he may, could, provide
some alternative to working it all out alone. Something sounds
wrong with that as I write it. Perhaps it’s just that he’s a
real example of where there is to go.
———–
It just occurred to me that Germans and Japanese comprise
almost everyone in Buddhafield 1 & 2. The event organizers
must have put the Americans in another area ( with the
Australians ). I’ll have to go see tomorrow.
————
So much to do. I attended Satsang (saw Bhagwan), ran around 2
of the 3 loops that comprise the ranch, had 2 very strange
showers, listened to Bhagwan on a recording, bought this
stationary, took a nap, met my tent mate (Astrid, I think) and
went to wild dancing at Buddhahall.
————
Things I want to do are: go swiming at the lake, see the ranch
exibit, run the full 3 loops, listen to Bhagwan recordings each
day, get a sun tan. Find peace amid isolation amid 10,000 and
have the grace to give love to those I encounter. I don’t seem
to have much to say that I want to say. What’s happening here
is not carried well by words, but I can smile.
———–
Is Bhagwan a living master? I realize now I was naive to think
sparks or auras would manifest or something similar. He’s a
man. it’s his subjective aspect that’s different. I’m not
sure what my question is now … I think I’ll let the week
write what ever answer there is on my heart.
———–
4 July 82 a Rajneeshpuram diary - 1st festival
———–
Each time I dance and sing it comes easier. The self
consciouness leaves sooner, the freedom to move in and out of
dance flowing smoother.
———-
It’s funny, yesterday I was thinking that the caliber of the
people here was excellent. Everywhere I look I see people that
interest me. I’m not the only one apparently. Some newspaper
articles seem to express the same recognition. They say the
cream of the crop has come to Bhagwan.
———-
Bhagwan will pass away. Within three years i think. He has
said that this movement will calcify (like Jesus left the Roman
Catholic Church behind) when he’s gone. There is something
living and unique here beyond the search for higher
consciouness and that is the cooperative community. A true
commune. How will it fare Post-Bhagwan given the history of
commune utopias the last 100 years.
———–
That which I have liked I have become good at. Computers, sex,
knowledge. Love and God have been lower priorities emotionally
though I claim them higher intellectually.
———-
Bhagwan says don’t save anything. Only when you have spent
everything can you become nothing. Live, live, burn
incandescent that you may expend yourself. Amen, to my savings
account.
———-
Let love expand in the roundbodied awareness that is at once
nothing and all it percieves. That mind should be there is OK
… but it is just a tool. Sheath it when not in use.
———-
Today, at Satsang, it occurred to me why Bhagwan aways wears a
cap and never speaks. (mind come unsheathed!). Radiation
treatments with a locus of the throat or perhaps the chest. It
may be imagination or clear vision. I’ll keep it to myself. I
felt both sad and proud at his strength when I thought these
things. I got up to dance and invited Him to experience my
movement, to recall his own … a gift.
———–
5 July 82 a Rajneeshpuram diary - 1st festival
———–
Bhagwan says we are born with everything we need to celebrate.
We are born with life. What more could we need. He says the
birds need nothing to celebrate … why should we?
———–
Last night my fourth tent mate came home. He had stayed away
the first two nights. He and G— slept together and … it
didn’t seem strange. Everything stands on its own merit. … I
have learned something here.
———–
I got up early today to be able to sit closer to Bhagwan at
Satsang. I seem to move through my activities with a strange
tolerance and patience. Mindless to some degree though I still
lack that quality in any strong sense. The wait in line was
easy. Is it the people I wait with … or how I wait. Maybe
both.
————
Can I capture Satsang? I spent so much of it mindless … just
aware. It was strange to watch Bhagwan and not have my mind
fill with word and poses and imaginings.
————
When He stood to go the rythmic clapping began and I was swept
even stronger than before. There’s something incredible at the
conjunction of mindlessness, giving yourself completely, and
the feeling Bhagwan can stir in his Sanyasins. Even now my
eyes verge on tears. I think I cryed then when he raised his
hands for us to get up … it was as if every person felt the
gesture directly in a caress of pure love. Could we respond
with less.
————-
I saw a handsome man today. Cut out of noble gypsy like Khan
in Startrek. He was emptying trash cans and smiling. A woman
came up and hugged him. He hugged her and smiled, careful not
to soil her dress with his gloves, and then went back on with
his work … smiling.
————–
Another perspective on women. I think my recent aversion to
looking at women as sexual objects is due to an understanding
that sex as an act of love is a higher state than sex as an act
of gratification or of using. I’m not sure I’m across this
distinction but I’m aware of it. In this environment it seems
the more natural way to feel in spite of such an incredible
concentration of beautiful women. Women with uninhibited
freedom and directness in their eyes. Women it would be easy
to love. And simple.
————–
And yet … and yet I’ve seen here an Arabic woman with hair as
black as night and the soul of a gypsy, I think. And for her
there is something east of using and west of love. Passion.
————–
No, I think passion is what it’s called when both people use
each other … still south of love. Mutual animal recognition
of something other than the other’s soul.
———–
6 July 82 a Rajneeshpuram diary - 1st festival
———–
Today I made up my mind about whether Bhagwan is a living
master and if I will take Sanyas. He is and I will.
————
I can’t go as far as trying to live here in the commune. I
love my family too much to take that leap. So I will take
Sanyas and investigate commune living. I have found an
idealogy/philosophy/religion.
————
I cryed more freely tonight. I had ‘prayed’ to find how to
weave Bhagwan and my family. And then I understood … knew
both Bhagwan as a true master and my decision on Sanyas. I’m
not sure there’s anyway to separate these two.
————
When Bhagwan entered, the quick summer storm’s thunder rolled
… celebration/confirmation. When it rained and blew we
cheered it on joyously. And when the lights and sound failed
for a moment .. our song of love and praise, our conscious
link, never faltered.
————
Bhagwan is there in the silence. It takes an act of faith to
feel him but once made he’s there. You know it.
————
Sanyasins are never there when you look for them and then show
up when you’re not looking. They come and go like the wind in
ones and twos. they have the freedom.
————
When Bhagwan drove off the one security guard that always looks
so stern (the beefy blond on with the curley hair and arms
folded) finally made a sign. Many people were aware of his
near absolute consciouness to duty and when, as Bhagwan’s car
passed, he folded his hands, as in prayer, to Bhagwan, the
Sanyasins responded with an outburst of applause and joy at his
sign. He smiled sideways in his acknowledgment that he knew
they applauded for him and then the applause erupted and first
one and then many Sanyasins burst on him and smothered him in
hugs.
————-
The judge that allowed Rajneesh a city and his wife watched
tonight as well as some outside police. I stopped singing
several times and wondered how it all must look. My eyes
always watered at the power and the beauty.
———–
8 July 82 a Rajneeshpuram diary - 1st festival
———–
It was hard telling Rose. So little of the experience can pass
… only the tangible details; I’ll start wearing Sanyas
colors, I believe Bhagwan is a true master. But overall she
was fair. Scathing inditments followed by a good natured
‘you’re such a fool’. She syas she’s more worried for Danny’s
reaction. I guess I am too, now.
———–
Sanyasins … they’re people I can be proud of. They carry the
best of the world’s wisdom out with themselves dressed for
attention with a mandate to love and understand. To transcend
reactions. Strong faces, open hearts. When I walk by them and
they smile their smile I’m glad of my choice.
———–
I just realized that when I feel unable to openly experience a
sanyasin .. that I’m afraid of falling into so much beauty all
at one without some social support.
- 1st festival diary.
1982-11-17 Bhagwan knocking
Wednesday, November 17th, 1982Bhagwan knocking— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
I read Bhagwan just before I went to sleep
and awoke to find my self drawn to paper by my thoughts.
Itching me, burning me, his words brought me awake
with thoughts that seemed to cut through
the dreams I normally live.
I’ve drifted and doubted under the incredible pressure of friends
until Oregon and the experience I had there
has drifted into the library of my memories
and I’m once more unconscious and a-churn
with the pressures of what to do with my life.
But, when he speaks it rings with utter truth
that while I listen and remain aware
my life and purposes, cares and concerns
are cast into a doubt more profound and meaningful
by the lack of any arguments or reasons given.
If I go again I will surely take Sanyas.
I can feel the pull from here.
Should I light the candle I won’t let burn?
He asks nothing if not all
and ( though no one believes it )
he asks nothing but for me.
My love, my awareness, my being.
He says do them, take them, be them.
I point the way, I am the gate.
Listen, experience, become … more.
I am a living example.
And I stand awe struck and amazed
by music no one here ever seems to hear.
Is it me or is it them?
No one here has any real purpose
and He says there is none
but he’s happy with that
and look at us here.
And the night goes on.
gallagher
17 Nov 82
1983-01-13
Thursday, January 13th, 1983I wonder, as I listen to Bhagwan’s words— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
if the difference he defines
between knowledge and knowing
doesn’t have something to do
with the difference between holistic
and sequential modes of perception…
sort of like an apparatus we control
the F stop.
Full open is holistic with full parallel processing
the ego dead because nothing can exist
separate from the process?
letting the past, as memory or judgment
come in is analogous to dividing the task
forming alternatives or sequentiality into it
closing the aperture…
attenuating the sensitivity…
biasing the wait….
01-13-83
1983-04-03
Sunday, April 3rd, 1983We talked about Bhagwan and religion today.— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
She thinks I’m crazy but without malice.
I tried to make the point that he is to religion
what ‘One World’ is to nationalism
Somehow its only the Rolls Royces everyone sees
and I had to confess I don’t understand
that part myself.
I told her that if I couldn’t get time off
I would quit my job to go this summer
and she couldn’t fathom how something
I’m so inactive in
could be so important to me.
I said that in my priorities only she
and the kids came higher.
I tried to ask her how she would feel
if somehow she had come to believe
that Christ had returned…
would it change her life,
that He was existing, available,
in our society?
Would it change mine?
I’m still trying to find out.
I’m going to go again in July and
join the Buddhafield.
Open my heart and eyes to the storm
of history around this man.
Gallagher
3 April 83
S.J.C.
1983-07-02
Saturday, July 2nd, 1983As empty as the wind— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Rajneeshpuram blows thru me
its rain, its words, its brown hills
sculpted in the late afternoon sun
and the fragments of cold wind
beneath the swarming clouds
Kundalini ends with the worshipers
whispers singing ‘Gautama’
towards Bhagwan’s home
gallagher
02 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram
1983-07-02
Saturday, July 2nd, 1983I see faces here with intellect and character— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
wearing orange
and they remind me that
our mild religious persecutions
could be their political prisons
gallagher
02 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram
1983-07-02
Saturday, July 2nd, 1983This place is outrageous.— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
There’s a post office on the main street
of Rajneeshpuram, Oregon
and lights over the road like Disneyland
and an orange party underneath.
It’s festival time,
party time at Rancho Rajneesh;
the eye of the storm.
gallagher
02 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram
1983-07-03 Festival Snapshots
Sunday, July 3rd, 1983Festival Snapshots— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
Morning, serving breakfast,
still fasting, bright and clear,
the lady vectored to the heart of it.
Laser surgery with loving eyes;
this is not it. The ideas are not it.
They just indicate it, as Bhagwan says,
like fingers pointing at the moon;
they are not it.
This is a stage provided
for us to work ourselves out on.
I can’t remember all her words
but they ran like silver through me
and that I can’t remember them doesn’t matter.
Truth has its own memory.
What I remember most is the feeling
as she spoke, and her eyes …
with openness and love,
like the glow of whiskey going down,
or Venus rising.
gallagher
03 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram
1983-07-03 What to do
Sunday, July 3rd, 1983What to do?— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
I believe in this.
No waiting through thousands of people
and months of time
for someone real to come by.
Here, every other person
is a wonder of openness and courage.
From all over the world
people who believe like I do have come together.
The languages, the faces, the beauty
- it’s astonishing.
It’s not power they respect,
nor possessions or title
but rather, just that same thing
that I went seeking so long ago
in such a stumbling way.
gallagher
03 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram, Oregon
1983-07-03
Sunday, July 3rd, 1983I screwed up my courage— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
to take the jump
sanyas…
I’ve been doing the ground work
for a year
fighting, doubting
deciding, finally, that it was
a reductionist philosophy
but knowing that if I came
Bhagwan and Rajneeshpuram
might wash my decision away
But, in the end, it was his people
that made me see that
this is what I want
what I think life should be
and that the reason I hesitated
was because I doubted it could be so
but it is, here and now
and though these moments may endure
or wash away
they are right, now … and I am here
looking into a possible future
So I finally came to a decision
grabbed my heart and went to apply
… and found out I must wait
eeeyyyyiiiii….!
gallagher
03 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram, Oregon
1983-07-04
Monday, July 4th, 1983I can let go sometimes— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
with the wind and the trees
but, as yet, with people
I fall into and out of being one with them
a moment of communion
and a moment with the stranger
a moment of openness
and a moment of fear
we are the same
they are different
I think I will die many times
before I and the pattern are no more.
gallagher
04 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram
- on the mountain above Rajneeshpuram
just after talking to a sanyasin
1983-07-04
Monday, July 4th, 1983Sometimes I can’t decide if this— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
is fragile or enduring.
Tonight, at the Rajneesh beer garden
I saw a senior sanyasin
escorting a couple of reporters
and she looked so worried…
I wonder if Bhagwan is the glue or his ideas
and as I write this, I know
its him; the living master
with him the forms could change
but not the essence
without him no form will be more
than a casting of how it was last
and each change or embellishment
will dilute those last echos
until finally the living word
will have been erased
and we will have only another name
to add to the list…
Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed….
gallagher
04 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram
1983-07-05
Tuesday, July 5th, 1983Sex is on the main line here— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
to higher consciousness
but that doesn’t mean
you sleep with everyone
or anyone
just anyone you want to
who feels the same
That’s a far cry
from the outside world
where sexual communications
are such baroque overlays
of urge and training
and suppression and guilt.
gallagher
05 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram, Oregon
1983-07-06 Morning Thunder
Wednesday, July 6th, 1983 Morning Thunder
The dawn thunders over the Buddha hall
as the army of orange gathers once more
for Satsang with the Master
and we, who are we, my heart probes
ditch diggers and doctors
dark gypsies and fine spun high born
faces born of any crowd
save the filter of their hearts
which has passed them thru
to where the dawn comes like a lover
over the Oregon desert
and the gift of enlightenment
is a real promise.
gallagher
06 july 83 - Rajneeshpuram
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
1983-07-08
Friday, July 8th, 1983Paint me more than this— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
and you may paint me God
that beneath the sun
with two ma’s
I stood at Rajneeshpuram
and waited for the Master.
gallagher
08 jul 83 - Rajneeshpuram
1983-12-02
Friday, December 2nd, 1983Ah, Bhagwan and Buber … mystics all— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
you’ve made my life so immesurably rich.
When I think of the joy you’ve opened for me
the feeling you call prayer fills me
until my skin melts into the feelings I am.
I have some small light that’s begun to shine
until smiles press from inside from secret places
and moments burn with searing baeuty.
And I know that here where I stumble,
you’ve gone, thank you.
gallagher
02 dec 83
1984-07-01
Sunday, July 1st, 1984Sometimes they, sometimes I, … our eyes meeting— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
spirits walking thru the wind of each other.
Sometimes lust, sometimes compassion,
sometimes lost and empty
centeredness coming and going,
awareness and impressions in summer storms.
I know for what I wait … paradox,
because I wait for two;
I long for the centeredness that comes
from giving without wanting,
that finds each moment perfectly
and … I wait for she who will see in me
that which I see in her …
flower of spirit recognition echoed
and the courage to say ‘yes’.
gallagher
01 jul 84
Rajneeshpuram, OR
1984-07-01
Sunday, July 1st, 1984So much confusion for me here, belief and reason in tatters— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
perceptions hammering this sleeper who wants to know
good and evil like egg shells repeating within each other.
People and feelings, dust and sunlight, words and wanting
a world within a world, significance and enigma, here
Asava says I still think a lot …
and I was clumsy with words with her
Bhagwan, thru Sheela, now says he will remain corporate
if we maintain unity, 100% positivism and
abstain from internal conflicts.
Neither Asava nor her friend from England( Germany( Australia )))
can say what they think
of the three new committees of 36, 21, and 112
nor of the 21 enlightened
save that Bhagwan may be playing with us a bit
about enlightenment.
Esoteric subtlety or mindless simplicity and acceptance?
How are we to know if we’ve reached our limit
to open to the truth
or if we are beginning to perceive it better?
I can learn much of wordlessness from these people
of strength of and opening … of dreams and magic
but I cannot still my spirit’s questing thru submission
any more than I could still my breath thru holding it.
There ARE patterns running here, I’ll not ride them mindlessly
nor try to consume them whole … to fathom their deepest forms
but I will move thru them and let them mark me
as weather wears the wood and feeling, the heart
Bhagwan’s vision’s ARE alive at the edge of man’s evolution
with passion and beauty, his strokes are drawn
light against dark.
gallagher
01 jul 84
Rajneeshpuram, OR