SamadhiMuse

                        –  1  –
It began when I shared my feeling that
seeing each other now for mere hours
seemed so much less than Palm Springs
or our Colorado trip
      That we could not hit the same depths somehow now
      and that the transition to this new place
      seemed to rob our magic of some of its fire
      just when I would wish to burnish it more
I said I’m not complaining but just sharing
and did it feel the same to her?…
it did, she said, and her voice and spirit
seemed to withdraw to somewhere inside of her
      Then she said she was never sure how I felt when she had to leave
      that it seemed as if I was always so logical, philosophical
      and she wondered if I was really so
      or if I hid my loss to protect her or myself somehow
and then the tangles began … semantics … and points of view
leaving … responsibility … resentments at being judged
needs … sharing … integrity … manipulation
these emotional magnetic riptides of needs unleashed
      I said so long as I didn’t meddle with her decisions
      by pressing my needs to her
      that I could feel free of responsibility
      for the problems and pain of her family
And she said she would not let herself be manipulated
and that she resented my prejudging her so
that my withholding my needs was a lack of trust in her
and she left my mind spinning as she equated
   integrities independence with insecurities lack of trust.
      I said what of the golden rule …
      shouldn’t I do as I would have done?
      and she said don’t do to me to meet YOUR needs
      do to me to meet MINE and I’ll do the same for you
So is her need then that I should need her?
is it then that I should bear my feelings of responsibility
rather than dare to refuse to interfere?
      What is all this … I just want to love someone
         like me … free.
                           gallagher
                           7-17-78 – about Kathi K.
                           Long Beach

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —