SamadhiMuse

                        –  1  –
It began when I shared my feeling that
seeing each other now for mere hours
seemed so much less than Palm Springs
or our Colorado trip
      That we could not hit the same depths somehow now
      and that the transition to this new place
      seemed to rob our magic of some of its fire
      just when I would wish to burnish it more
I said I’m not complaining but just sharing
and did it feel the same to her?…
it did, she said, and her voice and spirit
seemed to withdraw to somewhere inside of her
      Then she said she was never sure how I felt when she had to leave
      that it seemed as if I was always so logical, philosophical
      and she wondered if I was really so
      or if I hid my loss to protect her or myself somehow
and then the tangles began … semantics … and points of view
leaving … responsibility … resentments at being judged
needs … sharing … integrity … manipulation
these emotional magnetic riptides of needs unleashed
      I said so long as I didn’t meddle with her decisions
      by pressing my needs to her
      that I could feel free of responsibility
      for the problems and pain of her family
And she said she would not let herself be manipulated
and that she resented my prejudging her so
that my withholding my needs was a lack of trust in her
and she left my mind spinning as she equated
   integrities independence with insecurities lack of trust.
      I said what of the golden rule …
      shouldn’t I do as I would have done?
      and she said don’t do to me to meet YOUR needs
      do to me to meet MINE and I’ll do the same for you
So is her need then that I should need her?
is it then that I should bear my feelings of responsibility
rather than dare to refuse to interfere?
      What is all this … I just want to love someone
         like me … free.
                           gallagher
                           7-17-78 – about Kathi K.
                           Long Beach

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

                           Giving our needs
      I won’t give the part of myself that needs away again
      its a pandora’s gift at best
      it insidiously crawls into the heart of another
      and tries to change them and trades much away
      If I express my needs and you meet them because you love me
         then its ALL because you want to
      but, if I press my need to you as an emotional pressure
      and you meet my need,
      how am I to be sure you gave freely to me?
      I will share my feelings and needs
         but they must remain here in ME
      I want to love you as you are
         not to become a part of you.
      free presents come from free people
         I won’t have any other kind for I won’t extort
      and if you tell me you wouldn’t let yourself be extorted
         so I should go ahead and give you my needs
            I wonder why you wouldn’t rather have me
               standing on my own two feet.
                              gallagher – to Kathi K.
                              Long Beach
                              07-17-78

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —