SamadhiMuse

     My mother died without all the kindness I could give her
     and I could never see it until she’d gone.
     Rose held me and told me thru my tears
     that she’s always wished she could change this about me;
     that I could never see the problems of the people I loved
     until they became critical and knocked me down.
     Always so lost in my own inner realities, so insensitive.
     “Learn from it.”, she said, with kindness,
     “Its the first time you’ve lost someone close, the first time
     you’ve realized just how unalterable that last moment is
     when you wish you could have left things otherwise.”
                                 gallagher
                                 26 Apr 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

      Dennis,
            I don't know exactly why I'm writing this or what I
         want it to say. All I know is that I'm hurting so bad
         now that if I don't try something I'll never make it
         through the night.  I can't even explain why I'm
         hurting so.  Certainly not because Heidi is sharing
         your bed tonight.  She's an evil bitch who's using you
         in her game of life.  her kind are a dime a dozen and I
         know I'm above all her games.  maybe because you didn't
         have the forethought to break your plans with Helen K.
         until the call this morning.  You can't make me believe
         there was no way for you to talk to her during the
         week.  After all we did make our plans last Tuesday.
         I'm so tired of all this it makes me sick.  For my own
         sanity I'm going to start having affairs of my own.  At
         least that way I'll have someone to run to at times
         like this.  I'm tired of being strong and doing it on
         my own.  I wonder if you realize how much and how often
         you hurt me.  I don't think the hurt will stop
         overnight but it will be nice to know that comfort is
         only a phone call away.  I'm not doing this to get back
         at you, but rather to take care of myself.  i want to
         continue seeing you, and you will always be most
         important to me.  I'm not sure how this will change our
         relationship.  I guess that will depend on whether you
         can take it as well as you dish it out.  Enjoy Heidi,
         she's about all you have left right now.  You lost a
         lot tonight (not just with me but your son too).  I
         hope she will be able to make you happy.  I believed
         you when you told me she didn't mean that much to you.
         Another case of Rosie being a fool.  Maybe your giving
         her the affections that used to belong to Kathleen and
         you just forgot to tell me. Just tell me this, when
         Heidi is through with you where will you turn? I can no
         longer promise to be here forever.  Think about it -
         you gain so little and may lose 10 years.  Is it worth
         it?
                                       Rose
         a 1979 letter of uncertain date.

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

            So I can write about her once again…
            Its been so long
            since I’ve felt easy loving her
            but now I see a way to love her
            and still have my life.
            It could be we’ll work it out
            that our love will be strong enough.
            I can feel love and freedom both, here.
            So I say to you, my baby, … that I love you
            very very much.
                                 gallagher
                                 17 June 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —