SamadhiMuse

It's been a long time 
   since the muse or cold reality
has driven me from my bed 
   to scratch my fear.
A cold wind creeps under the door tonight
   and drives the transient 
      to murmur its name to the transient.
We sit in a house with all that we've collected
   trying to prove ourselves permanent 
while driving ourselves
      deeper into the material illusion.
We hold these things to us 
   and yet look away
least the pattern becomes too apparent,
   and the mirror catch us whole.
For in truth we are erosion in motion, 
   the resumption of dust,
      the gathering of less and less.
I struggled with my pillow tonight 
   against this clarity.
And with every turn came another vision,
   and with every dismissal, 
another flash of mortality
   like a sword through the curtains.

Very little is under my control here;
   save how I ride the failing machinery.

I felt the weight of my gut 
   and remembered the mirror's vision
of an older man 
   than I think I am.
Am I not, the young, the sure, the strong?
   Am I not those images 
      that fill my mind's long delusion?

Year after year ... I am changing.
   But it comes on so slowly, 
      I can't see it.
And so, we draw on with grace, 
   we draw on with sloth,
with gluttony, with materialism, 
   with work and with projects,
with dreams of fame, 
   of making an impact,
      of impressing others.
And with all of these ... we fail.
   But, we press on.

An increasingly narrower place, 
   the road of clarity,
our deepest animal urges 
   are doomed 
by our gathering awareness
   until we have only what remains 
      or denial.

I want so for it to matter, 
   but it will not.
Against the bigger scenery, 
   we are but shadows,
tiny sparks of awareness 
   from the fires of evolution.
A momentary knowing 
   against the implacable;
the improbable and transient 
   standing against that 
      which cannot register us.

In all these years since Dylan Thomas said,
   "Rage, rage against the dying of the light",
      I've finally heard him clearly, 
         but now I doubt his advice.
Beyond here, lies a truth 
   and an embrace
      that only I can encounter.
God grant me the wisdom and courage
    to be loving and honest in this place.

                                      gallagher
                                      20 Feb 2007
                                      Monroe

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —