The storms still rage I’m sure, but comes the lull.— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
I can see just a bit of the possible future;
Lise and I, Anthony and Lise,
two men, one woman.
I’ve been here, I’m no stranger.
Drop the conflict and go with the flow.
If she chooses one or the other in her own time
then we’ll deal with it then.
Until then my pain has begun to diminish
as I recognize the transition ending
and the new ground is familiar.
Welcome, Anthony.
And hello, Lise, new again.
gallagher
23 Nov 85
Archive for the ‘1985’ Category
1985-11-23
Saturday, November 23rd, 19851985-11-24
Sunday, November 24th, 1985Lise lies there asleep, great mystery.— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
The morning light and the world new again.
She says Anthony’s has gone
and my feeling is not the pure joy I’d imagined.
Perhaps I prepared too much to lose her
or share her.
Perhaps my heart has been hardened by these days
or my feelings made too naked.
When she told me I almost wished she hadn’t said it;
it was the one thing I wasn’t prepared for.
And when she told me, just after,
that she had broken her one promise to me
and had slept with him again,
what joy I had was soiled
with disappointment and anger.
So Anthony’s gone, perhaps,
though they will be friends in the future.
…she lies here now in the morning light,
under my heart and eyes
that have felt and seen too much these last days,
and I write these words to release
what I feel…
I feel love … laced with fear, of her.
I wonder how many cuts before the scars
and both of our hearts
have been through so much this week … so much.
We can’t go back and, if we go on,
it must be from here.
This morning, these feelings, these lies and promises,
these scars and these fears.
She’s hurt and disappointed me.
But, in truth, there’s not much she’s done
that I haven’t.
We are, neither of us, gentle people
in the world of men and women
so I cannot reproach her,
but, still, my fear and numbness
run so deep now.
The things we’ve about each other
under these stresses
have made us new to each other.
And here, in this newness,
in this morning’s light,
she will awaken and we will see
who we are.
I forgive these days, for they are done…
part of our history and shared experience
and I want to go forward … on.
For, if not, then what has all this been for?
But, I’m going to need time and gentleness
to sooth my fear’s whispering
and my heart’s retreat.
And so, I wait here for her to awaken.
For she has come through this too, to her own place,
to her own scars and new understandings
and she must see me, see us,
in new ways yet unknown to me.
She told me why she asked Anthony to go
and why he was willing…
It was moving too fast for her
and too slow for him.
If her love for me played some part
in all of that…she didn’t say.
And so I look at her in this morning’s light
and wait for her to awaken
with messages of our future.
(she awakens) life begins….
gallagher
24 Nov 85
– yesterday Lise went to Anthony and slept with him, breaking
a promise to me that she would sleep with neither of us until
she had decided. This afternoon he came here to her place and
she said she didn’t want to see him anymore other than as
friends.
1985-11-26
Tuesday, November 26th, 1985 November 26.1985 11.am
Feelings cleared. Still confusion but I like it better. Anger;
anger at myself; Dennis; Anthony. Back and forth, back and forth.
Understanding better.
The bottom line is not my love for Dennis but my lack of trust
in his love. He said he loved me so much, he said he was in love, he
talked about the future in terms of 'arrangements'.
How was I to know?
I have read his poems, all of them over and over again. The
ones about women talk about love, passion, being in love; how was I
to know it was this way, how was I to know I wasn't also passing
through?
He said and I read (about) how much he loved Kim; how when he
left for Canada, in spite of all the love he had for her, he found
other women, but then came back and wanted to start again with her.
Was it going to be this way with me? Is that what I want? You said
you loved me without reservations, but for my children. I know one
day I will have them again. How the hell would you deal with that?
How long would your love last? From a man who said if he had to
raise his own precious little boy, "he guesses" it would be OK, he
guesses he could make it; he would manage!
And how about all the months you slept with your wife? Not that
long ago you were still trying to have a child with her.
And you were in love with me?
I gave it all to you, love, passion and me. Who is the flake?
The man with the wife, the man I was always expecting to be meeting
someone else, the one who has been leaving for over a year now, the
man ---
- never finished -
Lise
26 Nov 85
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —