SamadhiMuse

                                                  9 April 1979
         Dear Rose:
              I’m sorry if waiting to read this has caused you
         anxiety.  I suspect it has but I felt it was better to
         deal with this this way.  This letter is not about
         changing or redefining our relationship.  Nor about
         ending it.  Its about the blouse you missed the other
         night and my reaction and your observation that
         something was amiss between us.  You were right… my
         reaction was because I was pissed at myself and the
         situation and how I had come to let it be.
              The blouse was not Kathy’s, it belonged to Sue
         from up front.  Sue and I have become friends similar
         to you and Jim.  I got into omitting mention of this
         relationship because of my concern for your feelings.
         I doubted if you could or would be comfortable at my
         place if you knew Sue and I had slept together.  I
         guess you would say, “Why, why did you begin with her
         if you thought it would result in so many problems.”.
         Why indeed…  I like her, she’s easy to be with
         without anything serious, she was already a good
         friend… but why is hard to explain.  I don’t know
         myself.  I know I had misgivings about it from the
         beginning because of you.
              Once I had slept with her I realized that I really
         didn’t know what to say to you.  I wanted to be honest
         and I didn’t want to mess things up between us with
         respect to your coming over here.  What I did is I put
         it off… hoping a few days of thinking about it would
         help me come to a way to resolve everything without a
         hassle.  It didn’t.  There wasn’t an easy way.
         Obviously, I could go back to being non-physical
         friends with Sue but that wouldn’t deal with my
         feelings of not having been honest.  Nor would it
         necessarily prevent you from boycotting my place.  In
         the end the easiest way was to continue to say nothing.
          (I’m sure you’ll say that the easiest was NOT to have
         begun at all, and I agree, now…but its done and it
         didn’t look so clear cut to me then).  But saying
         nothing isn’t good either.  We’ve done a lot to cross
         the gaps between us and one of the things is to
         practice honesty with each other and I’ve been
         regressing of late.
              Sue sleeps with Frank, downstairs, most of the
         time and sees other people besides.  If it will make
         things easier I will simply go back to being
         non-physical friends with her.  We were friends before
         this began and I’m sure we can be still if I made such
         a decision.  For me its much more important how you
         feel.  If you can be comfortable coming over.  I don’t
         see this as an issue of can I sleep with so and so or
         not.  I know that’s my right.  I see it as its nice but
         nothing I need and your happiness is much more
         important.
              I really like my neighbors, Bob and Frank, Sue and
         Darleen and Tim. I’ve hoped you could get to know all
         of them better and spend more time here.  But I’m
         afraid I’ve messed it up by having slept with Sue. I
         hope not.
              I’d like you to read this and not say anything
         about it until Saturday.  By then, hopefully, feelings
         may have cooled.  I was afraid if I tried to discuss
         this with you verbally that hassles and recriminations
         would have occurred before I’d half finished.  This way
         I can say it all and you can absorb it for a day or two
         and then we can can discuss it calmly ( I hope ).
              If I haven’t made it plain I am sorry about all
         this.  Sorry for my lack of foresight and self-control
         in allowing myself to get into a situation where I felt
         so unable to know how to handle it.  Your love and
         striving to make things work between us these past
         months have been precious to me.  If there is a way to
         rearrange things and allow us to continue as we’ve been
         let’s do it.
                                       Love,
                                       Dennis

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

  How quickly it changes; King to criminal, secure to agonized.
  And isn’t it always at the nodes, crosscurrents, upwellings,
  that our choices are given?
  God lovingly laughs at us when we feel secure
  and mocks us gently as he weaves events to take our certainty down.
  The golden ring passes so close, you smile…
  and then, like a advertisement for humility, it changes.
  Stomach gripping sinking feeling – run over again by life.
  Rose calls and says she can go to Houston…
  Why she tells me, what she wants, she can’t explain.
  Maybe she called just to let me know I could be in for a jolt,
  maybe she called to see if I really care….
  Midway to reconciliation… torn by love and freedom,
  I’ve hung poised and optimistic, knowing, this time,
  it could turn out all right.
  Its out of my hands… Houston’s distance will leave us unrepaired.
  Houston’s miles of letters could kill our long affair.
  Waiting is…. painful, powerless … integrity testing …
  a brush with the end of love.
                                    gallagher
                                    19 Jan 1979

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —