Lucid Confusion— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
I understand myself so little of late
I twist amid my life’s coils
bound in the strings of my own ignorance
the mirror my others provide wells up
and echos my own; agony given, agony received
I’ve drifted into Rose’s warmth … craving her love
and hating the certainty, the end of struggle it brings with it
I thought I was forming into one mind
becoming unidirectional after so long
an ‘open’ relationship and love and security
She said she’d try it all … see if she could bear it
but this weekend’s time was a journey back to …
to somewhere where we’re both so at ease
that getting old seems the only thing left to do
I chafed at that familiarity … fantasized about other faces
waited for nothing … and was loved and secure
Not one mind … I hold so much more than I know
I’ve been optimistic about living with her
and this one weekend drove the vagabond wild…
found the spoiled child
brought me to my knees, to say…
“I don’t know, I’m confused.”
I love her, …I’m stifled, …I want her love, …I abuse it
Tonight she’s gone to Alain to have him fix her car
it made my stomach so empty … I could hear the mockery
of my own indecisions … my own need to win, to survive
Helen K. called… her psychic nature heard me, maybe…
she shared her love and pain and then held my hand
and I shared mine … she’s my friend …
and, somehow, its for free;…
Rose and I are so much to each other
but at such a cost.
I listen… what do I hear… these self mirrors
ever speak gibberish… we only find ourselves, our lives,
on the fire edge between our struggles and God’s plan
Can I be listening to my integrity saying “never compromise”
or to my pride?
Can I be feeling the presence of love and friends
or the passing gestures of momentary attention?
Is it that the answers lie in the agonizing
or in the deciding?
And is it that we are never to know, subject forever
to the wine presses of evolution and spiritual development
or can we ‘know’ if we can just have the courage to realize
some hidden potential in ourselves to make order
of our ‘human condition’?
I run in the evenings and mornings…
I work in the labyrinth of information processing…
but I can’t escape my fate nor comprehend it.
Am I faltering before this vision of life I’ve called up?
Tonight the pen and the wine tell me “no”, that I’m OK
but tomorrow, and on other tomorrows,
these razor questions will press me
just as I’ve been calling them to
and on the edge of my life and God’s love
I’ll find my lessons in my folly.
gallagher
02-06-79
Archive for the ‘Long Beach’ Category
1979-02-06 Lucid Confusion
Tuesday, February 6th, 19791979-02-10
Saturday, February 10th, 1979 Dear Dennis -
Ernie locked me out of [my] house tonight. I took
refuge here about midnight. I feel thankful to have
your place to rest.
Your friendship grows more precious each day.
I love you!
Kathy
2/10/79
2 a.m.
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —
1979-02-14
Wednesday, February 14th, 1979 2-14-79 Happy Valentine's day, Dennis.
(started poem 1-31-79)
Problems there will always be, but someday I will be
set free.
Mortgages, bills, repairs once again cause me despair.
Part of me wants to stay but soon I'll be far away.
far from this house my home, and husband too -- he'll
surely roam.
Hollywood is not so great, but opportunities I'll
take. People there I hope to meet might help me get upon
my feet.
Prudential salesman just dropped by to collect on
policies gone by. Ernie wasn't to be found. Why isn't he
ever around?
Nature's game is very cruel. It makes us out to be
such fools. Six years of marriage ending now, but no more
tears can I allow.
Ted said Linda wanted a divorce, but she has not yet
set her course. Her dependence requires him to be strong
even while other men string her along.
Locked out of [my] house last Friday night. I felt a
sense of utter fright. Mostly feeling so alone! I'd just
left Ted -- He'd went on home.
Locked in to feelings deep within I called to Dennis
who was not in but soon I fell towards his warm abode and
spent the night. So warm, secure was my refuge, I felt a
sense of peace ensue.
Rose does not think much of me but my world she'd
NEVER see! Nor could I understand her ways, ever in a
million days.
How did things get so all messed up??
My disattachment to this mold of married life has
grown so old. It happened though it wasn't right when I
lay with John that night. Finally, when I let him go
the void inside began to grow.
I threw myself to job and school -- I'd never again
be such a fool.
.
.
.
But his voice on the phone so mellow and low, his
eyes so green -- I feel the glow! His beard I like, his
sexy ways. He makes me forget the lonely days. He fills
me up and sets me straight, and I forget all past mistakes.
Where it's going I don't know, but I know I love him
so --
Love,
Kathleen
2-14-79
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —