November 26.1985 11.am
Feelings cleared. Still confusion but I like it better. Anger;
anger at myself; Dennis; Anthony. Back and forth, back and forth.
Understanding better.
The bottom line is not my love for Dennis but my lack of trust
in his love. He said he loved me so much, he said he was in love, he
talked about the future in terms of 'arrangements'.
How was I to know?
I have read his poems, all of them over and over again. The
ones about women talk about love, passion, being in love; how was I
to know it was this way, how was I to know I wasn't also passing
through?
He said and I read (about) how much he loved Kim; how when he
left for Canada, in spite of all the love he had for her, he found
other women, but then came back and wanted to start again with her.
Was it going to be this way with me? Is that what I want? You said
you loved me without reservations, but for my children. I know one
day I will have them again. How the hell would you deal with that?
How long would your love last? From a man who said if he had to
raise his own precious little boy, "he guesses" it would be OK, he
guesses he could make it; he would manage!
And how about all the months you slept with your wife? Not that
long ago you were still trying to have a child with her.
And you were in love with me?
I gave it all to you, love, passion and me. Who is the flake?
The man with the wife, the man I was always expecting to be meeting
someone else, the one who has been leaving for over a year now, the
man ---
- never finished -
Lise
26 Nov 85
— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —