SamadhiMuse

         Sadness, like slow rain
            that waits in my path.
         Working, …thoughts intrude…
         Softly, whispering, “Everything’s different”
         I feel clouds, somewhere.
         I’m so tired of these storms.
         I don’t want to hurt Rose anymore
         and I want to trust Lise.
         I don’t want to lose my optimism about love
         and I want to feel like I can win at life.
         The Buddhists say that we can NEVER be free
         so long as we care how things are.
         I’m trying to work through this and accept it
         with open hands and heart.
         But the truth is I’ve been knocked down
         and have crawled through most of it
         crying and clutching at my reflections in Lise.
         God, give me the strength to find my center
         in all of this.
         The strength to be compassionate and considerate of Rose
         and loving and accepting of Lise, without fear.
         And the possession to ‘own’ myself.
         I’ve called on you, Lord, to weather me
         in the lightning of your world’s experiences.
         Now I pray for the strength to meet you gifts.
         Help free me, Lord,
         from these addictive and heroic poses
           and my perceptions of people as objects.
         I want to find what lies below all this,
         the bedrock below the storm,
         I want to love without this need.
                                 gallagher
                                 27 Nov 85

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

            My thoughts run and gibber,
            my moods are swinging until I’m dizzy.
            ‘Time will heal all this’, I say to myself,
            Just wait a bit….’
            I talk to Lise and it’s the same with her;
            mood swings, feelings in a riot, confusion.
            Why am I so insecure?
            Do I believe she’s not done with Anthony?
            Do I think she’s not as confused as I?
            Do I sense a future of more shocks?
            She scares me when she says she scares herself
            because she doesn’t know what she’ll do.
            I have to admire her honesty in this, though.
            I’ve been where she is with others
            and I’ve been less than honest.
            I can’t decide if this insecurity
            is reasonable or not.
            She has given me every reason to doubt her
            …and has been unwaveringly honest.
            I remember the women who’ve loved me
            and I remember
            my stainless steel honesties with them
            and how
              I drew their love
                like a moth to the flame.
                                       gallagher
                                       27 Nov 85

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —

            Lise has made me see some things;
            after knowing her,
            I realize I’ve been looking
            for the right woman all my life.
            Rose has been for children and family
            and settling and just living;
            and these have only half satisfied me
            and left me a father and a vagabond, both.
            Lise opened me
            to the idea of living in a house together
            and becoming creative, as two;
            working together instead of alone.
            I wanted to write books for her
            and take her to show me Paris,
            write her letters of my travels,
            and have her manage my creations.
            I saw her as an equal, a true partner.
            Now, now I don’t know what I see,
            except confusion and lack of trust
            and this deep feeling that
            it’s not the same for her
            as it is for me.
            I remember my years with Rose’s love…
            she would sooth me and love me
            and then, full of her love,
            I would walk out the door
            looking for more.
            She never satiated me; only gave me security
            so that I felt free and strong;
            able to go out and look for that something
            I lacked but could not name.
                                    gallagher
                                    29 Nov 85

— Copyright 1965-2008 by Dennis Gallagher —